Some feedback would be appreciated
 

This a rough draft recording. The lyrics were written a few hours ago and I threw the track together in about one. That's why it sounds so sloppy. Also I'm actually doing vocals and I am a terrible f***ing singer. And it doesn't help that I was trying to stay quiet which seemed to effectively **** up that last verse. So yeah, none of it is finished really, but so far, what do you guys think? Any tips or ideas?

[link removed by mod, no advertising]

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I seem to forget
Exactly what type of niche
A person like you fits into.
A peaceful habitat
With no contact
Or one that tries to
Destroy you.

You cry for the tranquil
but everything you do will
Give you a negative result.
You start all the drama
with a self-righteous cantata
That brings your life to a halt.

You see your reflection,
With the expectation
It will always stay on your side.
But out of frustration
and exasperation
It will leave you high and dry.

And you have it backwards
So you never can move towards
The light you desperately seek.
So drop to your knees
and say "Lord, please
Let me have my soul to keep."

Uh_Me, I felt that was quite good, especially considering you wrote the lyrics very quickly and recorded the song in 1 hour while not being able to sing out with full breath support!

I like your electric guitar playing with a pleasant solo instrumental section between the 2nd and 3rd verses (although I'd truncate the solo slightly). I like the lyrics, too. They and the person described interested me, especially since you used the word "cantata," which I don't recall ever hearing in a song before!

I do have some suggestions:

1) I recommend you slow the song down a little so that you don't have to rush the lyrics so much.

Sometimes it sounded to me as if you were having a hard time packing all those words in there to match the rhythm you had set with the guitar. I'm someone who loves lots of words, so I tend to like to cram a lot in there, too! Yet I really did feel from your song that the words were too rushed.

2) I feel that the song would benefit very much from inclusion of a distinct bridge section.

Right now the song structure sounds simply like 4 verses, with a guitar solo in the middle and at the end:

Guitar solo (nicely relaxed)
Verse 1
Verse 2
Guitar solo 1
Verse 3
Verse 4
Guitar solo 2

^ This sounds a little incomplete to me. I listened to the song 3 times, and the second time it was over even before I really felt it had fully begun!

I realized I was waiting for some high point in the song, like when you climb a mountain and get to the top and suddenly see the brilliant sun streaming through the clouds onto the landscape tapestry below. In comparison, your song feels to me like walking in the valley by a very rapid little river, and it is a pleasant walk, but I miss the feeling of ascension that a "bridge" can give.

I recommend you consider expanding your song structure and lyrics into this:

* Guitar intro
* Verse 1
* Verse 2
* Guitar solo 1 (but shorten it slightly, probably by half)
* Verse 3
* Verse 4
* Guitar solo 2 (but slightly shorter)
* Bridge (with even more energy and a slightly different melody, perhaps with fewer words per line so the lyrics don't rush by so fast)
* Verse 4 (with more energy than the last time it was sung/played)
Guitar solo 3 (perhaps using the end of guitar solo 1 that you have deleted from it)

3) Vocals: you mentioned the issues you had (due to having to record quietly) so I know you weren't able to sing out fully, but I'll go ahead and critique what I heard.

I feel when you re-record, your main goal should be to even out your voice, stripping it of most vibrato (so each note sounds equally loud from beginning to end without any wavering), which probably requires more airflow.

Also, I recommend you use a pop filter to avoid those bursts of air...but that is really only needed for a final recording!

4) I can imagine the addition of drums partway into the song as the energy builds, and I think that would greatly add to the song. Either that, or you could layer some more guitar harmony in the more energetic parts of the song through recording separate tracks. I think having drums would be best, though.

I hope this helps!

i like it! it needs some work for sure, but it's pretty damn good mate!

referencing what vegangelica said about cramming words in: i agree that you could go the route of slowing the song down, but i like the tempo and i think there are ways you can get all those words in there without compromising the groove that the current tempo is contributing to. i would honestly recommend listening to, memorizing and and practising some rap songs... or maybe some ani difranco or someone like that who is "stylistically verbose." i don't think you are verbose btw, i just think that if you get more comfortable with different rhythms and ways of laying down syllables you can make it work at the same tempo it's at now. i don't take issue with how fast the syllables are flying by, but more with the way that they are placed.

but indeed impressive for such a quick recording.

i also kinda dig the way your voice sounds so stressed out. i like hearing tension in the voice. i think you need to put a leash on it and teach it how to heel, but i like the effect nonetheless.

keep up the good work brother.

Okay. So I have worked on the song a little, have the next draft... but the original link has been removed because it's advertising? What the heck?!

Hmmm. I suspect a mod probably thought the original link to your song was self-promotion, although you've been a member for quite some time and have posted elsewhere, too, Uh_Me.

You could always post your new link to the next draft and we can see if that sneaks through under the radar...

...or you could PM it to me and I'll post it in your thread for you. It won't be "self-promotion" then! :p: