Second Try
 

The first song I posted here didn't go over to well, so I'm trying again. Any feedback is welcome.


Eyes

You look ahead into the future mists of time
You look back at the train wreck you left behind
You remember the thousand sunsets in her eyes
You look into your soul, it's here that she flies

You expel her from your soul, expel her from your mind
You wipe away her memory, you blot her out from time
She's gone from this world, just listen to your lies
The universe changed the day you looked into those eyes

The ghost is always with you
The sprit will never leave
She always was and always will be
This is why you grieve

You understand the reason she got inside your heart
You knew why she built the wall to keep you two apart
But then she opened the door, her soul you got to touch
But she slammed it shut when the feelings were to much

You lived for every second that you got to feel her touch
For you the feelings were never to much
All you have left is the memories that time buys
The universe changed the day you looked into those eyes

The ghost is always with you
The sprit will never leave
She always was and always will be
This is why you grieve

Is this a powerviolence song?

No. It's about a girl whom I loved madly but because of certain reasons we could not be together.

That doesn't preclude it from being a powerviolence song.

It sounds like right out of Def Leppards "Hysteria" to me.

1. What are you going for?

If you're going for a simple, "raw and honest", folk-y approach, your lyrics sound very general, with almost nothing that sounds like it's referring to specific people.

If you're going for a more artistic, complex, "deep" effect, your lyrics sound much too plain.

Obviously, there are many other directions you could take them. Right now, they sound a bit more like ideas rather than well thought out lines.

2. Also, you could probably stand to deviate a bit from the very simple rhyme schemes...

3. Think about not just end rhymes, but the internal structure of each line.
Vowel sounds in common between words, or consonant sounds will go a looong way towards making your lines sound distinctive, and will also probably force you to use some more expressive, unusual words...

4. Thesaurus and rhyming dictionaries are your best friends!

5. Think of the lyrics as music too. They should sound good, not just be words that have meaning.

6. Try reading some classic poetry. That stuff sounds odd and old to us now, but it'll help you get a feel for well-constructed lines, for artful depictions, for nuanced meanings...