iamdiamondami

I wrote this poem for a poetry slam. It's basically about a person that never really lived his youth and had to go through so many problems and when he couldn't take it anymore he started to break out of them.

Working title was Night Visions but I later changed it. The italic verse got deleted after I presented it the first time. Everyone thought it wasn't fitting at all. So I was skipping that verse when I presented it afterwards again.

"Rootless"

(Introduction)
Before I start
I guarantee this turns into art
You won't get the meaning,
Well, standing on stage has never been a part of my dreaming

This is about a person that never smoked, drank or had fun
Now he is sitting in the grass and is afraid of a little water gun

Told he acts like a dreamer
Now he's falling even deeper
He couldn't wait till Friday,
But where should he stay?
Sucked in a hurry,
Now his vision is blurry

Buried & sleeping in a hole,
Eating the crackers he just stole
He's got no where to go
Expectations set on low

Plans were made by his friends
"Whatever happened to my hands?
They are drawn in special shades"
Red is the color

Drunk; they appear out of nowhere
"Why does everyone just stare?
Just let us get (a) home!"
At the end he made it up on his own

Sometimes I wonder what happened to him
Walking around in the night...
With his messed up mind
I don't remember anything...
But his name
Guess it was just an unfortunate game

I also write lyrics some times, I guess I will post them later.

Black Francis

That was good, i like the confidence at the beginning and the perspective from where it's told, but i gotta say though this verse


"This is about a person that never smoked, drank or had fun
Now he is sitting in the grass and is afraid of a little water gun"

For me it overshadows the rest of the poem because it basically sums up the story before you finish telling it..

it works as a rhyme scheme but i think it makes the poem peak too early..

that's just my opinion though, but i liked it and i look forward to reading more of your stuff.

__________________
"Hey Kids you got to meet the MIGHTY PIXIES!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbRbCtIgW3A

iamdiamondami

Thank you!

Actually that's a lyrical style I used. But yeah I kind of get what you mean.

Sidenote: The narrator is the person he is talking about but he feels out of his body. He starts facing what happened last night but also how he doesn't wants to remember anything but a name he doesn't even wants to tell. He acts like it was just the sad peak of a dark time.

Maybe that makes some stuff clearer.