Quote:
Originally Posted by Sljslj
I've been there before. Trying to be madly in love with someone and realizing that it's not something you can force, thus you just can't be in love with them (that's what I got from it, correct me if I'm wrong.)
I really enjoyed the stanza's...
...and...
They really get your point across quite beautifully.
I do have one issue with this, though, and it may remind you of something you've tried to help me with a few times. In the stanza...
... you use the word "all" twice, a little bit too close to eachother. And maybe it's not that big a deal 'cause they're both used at the end of consecutive lines, and can be considered as healthy repetition to get the point across, as opposed to a lack of creativity. I'd much rather the second "all" be "more", but that's just my opinion.
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Whoops! I completely missed that you'd posted this, Slj! Thank you for reading. You got the meaning perfectly.
Thanks also for the suggestion about changing one of the all's to avoid repetition. I agree with you, but I feel kind of stuck without a solution that satisfies me completely, because I really do feel that a person whom one loves deserves "all" and I don't want to change that, yet if I write, "I've no wish to deceive you when I see I can't offer you
more, and you deserve all," then I will have repeated "more" (which I used twice up above these lines...another repetition).
When I wrote these lyrics I was playing around with repetition, which is the reason I used "more...more" and "all...all." I hope it will come across as healthy repetition rather than lack of creativity
but I understand your opinion completely. I'll brood on it.
Thanks again!
