Quote:
Originally Posted by Powerstars
Wounded
The blood shed
My smashed head
The shot of a gun
No light from the sun
You piece of crap
A tattered map
Of where we used to dash
Suddenly, I hear a crash
You've smashed my head against a wall
Someone told you to
You coward, just couldn't say no
You piece of crap, you belong in a zoo
They say jump, you'd ask how high
Now I just want you to go
I treated you like a God
I don't know how, I don't know why
I don't know why I trusted you
You insignificant nimrod
You're a coward
My time you've devoured
You sucked me into your little game
Now I feel so much shame
I fell for it
It was stupid, I admit
The stupidest of all
Now, because I trusted you, on my knees I crawl
I might be even worse than you
What hurt me most
What made me mad
Was that you were the only friend I had
________________________________________________
The Unfortunate Truth
Life ticks away before our eyes
It's not as long as you'd think it would be
There's no time to say our final goodbyes
The dark of your eyelids is the last thing you see
[...]
And there's no need to ask yourself "Why?"
Because, as a wise man once said, "No matter what you do, no matter what you try"
"Someone's gonna lose, someone's gonna die" |
I think your two poems could make great song lyrics for some brooding, depressed songs.
I preferred the first one; however, I recommend you don't repeat the word "crap" and instead use an alternative. My favorite line is "You've smashed my head against a wall" because it is so violent and direct.
Considering the second poem, I especially liked the opening and final lines, with my favorite being "The dark of your eyelids is the last thing you see" because it makes death so personal. I felt this poem's center section stated ideas too matter-of-factly and would benefit from more rhythmic sentence structures.
You do like rhyming, as do I.
Given your topic, I feel that your poems would benefit from a little less rhyming since less rhyming can create a wilder feeling in a song, IMO.
Also, sometimes you invert standard word order to create rhymes at the ends of lines. I recommend you follow standard "subject verb object" grammar and allow rhymes to flow more naturally.
For example, you wrote, "You're a coward. My time you've devoured."
I recommend reverting to natural speech by saying, "You're a coward. You've devoured my time." I feel this will result in poems/lyrics that sound less stilted.