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Old 01-05-2013, 10:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Would These Poems Make Decent Song Lyrics?

Wounded

The blood shed
My smashed head
The shot of a gun
No light from the sun
You piece of crap
A tattered map
Of where we used to dash
Suddenly, I hear a crash
You've smashed my head against a wall

Someone told you to
You coward, just couldn't say no
You piece of crap, you belong in a zoo
They say jump, you'd ask how high
Now I just want you to go
I treated you like a God
I don't know how, I don't know why
I don't know why I trusted you
You insignificant nimrod

You're a coward
My time you've devoured
You sucked me into your little game
Now I feel so much shame
I fell for it
It was stupid, I admit
The stupidest of all
Now, because I trusted you, on my knees I crawl
I might be even worse than you

What hurt me most
What made me mad
Was that you were the only friend I had

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The Unfortunate Truth

Life ticks away before our eyes

It's not as long as you'd think it would be

There's no time to say our final goodbyes

The dark of your eyelids is the last thing you see

Or perhaps a man holding a gun

The last sound you hear is an unpleasant "BANG!"

Sure when you lived you had fun

But is it worth the pain of being beaten by a gang?

You may wonder why it is so

I myself don't know entirely why

But it's true, someday your life will go

Some day, you're gonna die

The thought of this is indeed sad

But that's what happens, no getting around it

Now, the thought of this may make you mad

But there's no need to throw a fit

And there's no need to ask yourself "Why?"

Because, as a wise man once said, "No matter what you do, no matter what you try"

"Someone's gonna lose, someone's gonna die"
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Old 01-06-2013, 01:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Your excessive use of rhyming and simple use of vocabulary doesn't really make it a decent poem, sorry. Perhaps read some poetry of others online and see how imaginative you can really be.
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Old 01-06-2013, 02:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vanilla View Post
Your excessive use of rhyming and simple use of vocabulary doesn't really make it a decent poem, sorry. Perhaps read some poetry of others online and see how imaginative you can really be.
What if it is for a pop song?
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Old 01-06-2013, 05:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by verdi View Post
What if it is for a pop song?
Poets don't write pop songs. Marketers do.
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Old 01-06-2013, 08:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by wiggums View Post
Poets don't write pop songs. Marketers do.
Exactly! If I ever went into music, I'd want to perform my own stuff.
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Old 01-16-2013, 09:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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They are a little too violent for me personally. I don't really know of any music that I like that talks about shooting people and blood. :S

What kind of music would you be making? I guess this could be pretty mellow for Death Metal.
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Old 01-16-2013, 07:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Powerstars View Post
Wounded

The blood shed
My smashed head
The shot of a gun
No light from the sun
You piece of crap
A tattered map
Of where we used to dash
Suddenly, I hear a crash
You've smashed my head against a wall

Someone told you to
You coward, just couldn't say no
You piece of crap, you belong in a zoo
They say jump, you'd ask how high
Now I just want you to go
I treated you like a God
I don't know how, I don't know why
I don't know why I trusted you
You insignificant nimrod

You're a coward
My time you've devoured
You sucked me into your little game
Now I feel so much shame
I fell for it
It was stupid, I admit
The stupidest of all
Now, because I trusted you, on my knees I crawl
I might be even worse than you

What hurt me most
What made me mad
Was that you were the only friend I had

________________________________________________

The Unfortunate Truth

Life ticks away before our eyes

It's not as long as you'd think it would be

There's no time to say our final goodbyes

The dark of your eyelids is the last thing you see

[...]

And there's no need to ask yourself "Why?"

Because, as a wise man once said, "No matter what you do, no matter what you try"

"Someone's gonna lose, someone's gonna die"
I think your two poems could make great song lyrics for some brooding, depressed songs.

I preferred the first one; however, I recommend you don't repeat the word "crap" and instead use an alternative. My favorite line is "You've smashed my head against a wall" because it is so violent and direct.

Considering the second poem, I especially liked the opening and final lines, with my favorite being "The dark of your eyelids is the last thing you see" because it makes death so personal. I felt this poem's center section stated ideas too matter-of-factly and would benefit from more rhythmic sentence structures.

You do like rhyming, as do I. Given your topic, I feel that your poems would benefit from a little less rhyming since less rhyming can create a wilder feeling in a song, IMO.

Also, sometimes you invert standard word order to create rhymes at the ends of lines. I recommend you follow standard "subject verb object" grammar and allow rhymes to flow more naturally.

For example, you wrote, "You're a coward. My time you've devoured."

I recommend reverting to natural speech by saying, "You're a coward. You've devoured my time." I feel this will result in poems/lyrics that sound less stilted.
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Old 02-10-2013, 01:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post
I think your two poems could make great song lyrics for some brooding, depressed songs.

I preferred the first one; however, I recommend you don't repeat the word "crap" and instead use an alternative. My favorite line is "You've smashed my head against a wall" because it is so violent and direct.

Considering the second poem, I especially liked the opening and final lines, with my favorite being "The dark of your eyelids is the last thing you see" because it makes death so personal. I felt this poem's center section stated ideas too matter-of-factly and would benefit from more rhythmic sentence structures.

You do like rhyming, as do I. Given your topic, I feel that your poems would benefit from a little less rhyming since less rhyming can create a wilder feeling in a song, IMO.

Also, sometimes you invert standard word order to create rhymes at the ends of lines. I recommend you follow standard "subject verb object" grammar and allow rhymes to flow more naturally.

For example, you wrote, "You're a coward. My time you've devoured."

I recommend reverting to natural speech by saying, "You're a coward. You've devoured my time." I feel this will result in poems/lyrics that sound less stilted.
Glad you liked them, thanks for the tips!
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Old 02-19-2013, 01:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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If you are planning on writing death metal or horror punk. Personally, I think they were too violent.
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