That was pretty good. Be careful not to use too many perfect rhymes, near rhymes are sometimes better. Also, pay closer attention to your rhyme scheme, It's not the most important thing, but if you're not careful you might end up with awkward changes in rhyme scheme. It's a solid song though.
Also, don't worry about people not posting. I've noticed there seems to be a ratio of roughly 200 views for every response a thread gets.
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