stormborn

Hi,
i'm a newby, came across this site when looking for somewhere to post a song i wrote. I used to do this a lot when i was young and i decided to pick it back up again. if you can bare to read it then perhaps you would be so kind as to tell me how crap it really is

You were never for me
only for yourself
it was hard to believe
mothers loved unconditionally
you only ever loved whiskey

So i built a wall
to guard my soul
i cast aside respect
for love was a wreck
i buried pain deep
and hoped it would sleep

i told you everything was fine
held you close, soothed your distressed mind
but i was nine
and you were whiskey blind

So i built a wall
to guard my soul
i cast aside respect
for love was a wreck
i buried pain deep
and hoped it would sleep

i was alone and suffocating
confused, hurt and hating
my tears invisable
damage irreparable
just a girl unable

So i built a wall
to guard my soul
i cast aside respect
for love was a wreck
i buried pain deep
and hoped it would sleep

but you never cared for me
wine and whiskey was all i could see
i was a child and you were wild
i took control
i took care of the day
but you just took my childhood away

Thanks Guys, don't rip me too hard

I'm getting views but no feedback? Am I doing something wrong? Maybe people think stormborn is a band or something and are dissapointed when they realise it's me? Please guys just want to know if I should give up before I start.
Thanks

nowhereusa

That was pretty good. Be careful not to use too many perfect rhymes, near rhymes are sometimes better. Also, pay closer attention to your rhyme scheme, It's not the most important thing, but if you're not careful you might end up with awkward changes in rhyme scheme. It's a solid song though.

Also, don't worry about people not posting. I've noticed there seems to be a ratio of roughly 200 views for every response a thread gets.

stormborn

Thanks for your feedback, I'll look at rhyme schemes and try to write another.

stormborn

Another go with some better rhyme scheme, thanks nowhereusa

Not so mad

She creeps up on me,
a slow burner, hard to believe
She takes ahold, squeezes me tight,
Face to face with fright

But you share the pain
And your there again
Suddenly its not so bad
I can make this work, I'm not so mad.

Chorus
Oh anxiety, your to blame
For the crazy thoughts and frightful pain
Your unwanted, your unwelcome
So **** off back to where you came from.

My patience ran out, trickled away,
Taking my sanity, my hope and leaving me drained.
Grey skin and dark black rings befriend me, but of all these things.

There's one who shines
Who waits, who doesn't mind.
Suddenly its not so bad,
I can make it work and I'm not so mad.

Chorus

I'm Tongue tied and derailed
My confidence always fails
From panic and disalosion
To dizzying confusion

But here you stand next to me,
Holding my hand and letting me breath
and suddenly I'm not so bad,
I can make it work and I'm not so mad.

Chorus

Bridge

Tapping or tracing, grinding or pacing
Safety nets and safety behaviours
Heady thoughts of unspeakable things
Uncontrolled and making me scream
The shame, the pain and only me to blame.

You take me as I am,
you will always hold my hand.
And suddenly I'm not so bad,
I can make it work and I'm not so mad