I have been mildly depressed for ages, more than one year anyway, and it has not been so serious that I have had to get help.
However, lately it has been getting gradually worse. I never used to have self-destructive thoughts, or if I had, I never though about it seriously. Lately, I don't know why, basically everything is still ok in my life, it has changed. Nearly everyday I sometimes get a sudden urge to either hurt myself (which I usually can fight against successfully, and sometimes even that it would be much better to be dead.
It's.funny, I don't know how depression works usually and how my relatively young age (16) affects this, but it is that I can be normal (which means that I can say I'm happy but anyway and all of sudden I feel awful and want to dl something terrible for myself. As it is, strong changes of mood are usual for teenagers, but I would like to think that it's not normal to have feeling like this.
So if usually people have told me that depression is a long dark tunnel, the case of mine is not like that. I would rather say that most of the time I feel gray, which means I do everything I do normally, but I don't get any enjoyment and I am in it really. If you understand what I mean.
And if I normally feel like I could not careless, even with my friends I usually remain silent and I'd rather run away, that's not the worst aspect. This is how I feel normally, and it is not so bad. But when one gets a urge to hurt himself, one knows something is terribly wrong. What if once when I get that feeling, I lose my control completely and I do something terrible for myself. It scares me a little.
So maybe the only way out is to get some help. There's nothing more scary than when you really can't control yourself at all. And sorry for the length of this text, I had to write this.
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