Originally Posted by WhateverDude

For mostly completely different reasons I understand how you feel and it's beyond unpleasant. But suicidal ideation is still nothing to sneeze at, even if you know you're not going to do it. I'm sure you know this but even just the urge or fantasy to do something so self destructive is enough to hinder your ability to progress.

You need some self-time. Your entire life for the passed few years has been devoted to others- it's even evidenced in your reasoning for choosing not to do something drastic to yourself. You need a break. You need something really positive and self-assuring to happen. You deserve it. Wish I could say I knew what that break could be but I can't. Sometimes things just fall into place. Sometimes you gotta nut the **** up and ****ing make that goddamn **** happen.

You're unhappy with your job and that's totally fair. Worse yet it sounds like you're sorta stuck with it until you can sort yourself out financially. I'm all too familiar with being in that position and what I've found to help is overindulging in positive things that I enjoy. In your case I guess that would be film. Maybe take a film class or something on a day off. Even if it's redundant (I can't remember if you ever "officially" studied film) it'll keep your mind occupied on things that don't bother you. Alternatively, try something new. Pick up an instrument you've never played before. Taking some cooking classes. ****, if money is so much of an issue put it on a credit card. You're going to get better. You're going to be in a place where you're not only happy but you're also able to take care of things like that.