GuD

It's always difficult figuring out how to respond (if doing so is necessary or even desired) to a catharsis like what you just shared but you're a cool friend so I'll do muh bestest. I don't know too much about what's goin on in your life but what little I do know tells me you've had a very tough year (or maybe few years). It sounds like you're making the right decisions by seeing a psychiatrist and seeking company. And (in my experience, anyways) sometimes a little self-destructive behavior can expedite things. Sort of like rushing through all the negative feelings as opposed to drudging through them. But it's pretty easy to get carried away... so, you know, don't do that. Because we're all here for ya man and it would suck to see ya take darker paths, deceptively appealing as they might be. Getting to a more positive place in life takes work. Sometimes lots of it. You've got coworkers though- friends, family, etc and we're all here for ya to make sure the job ain't too tough on ya. If it't what you really want I'm more than positive you can get yourself to a place where dating this woman (or if the cards are right someone else who might be better for you) would be possible again.

__________________
I spit bullets in my feet
Every time I speak
So I write instead
And still people want me dead
~msc

Exo

I know you guys are here for me. The dozen or so close friend I've accumulated here wouldn't be traded for anything in the world. I don't mean to scare people. I really mean it when I say I have no plans on killing myself. Like I said, I just kind of want to be dead. The ironic thing is that I'm not going to get what I want because I know I could never do that to myself. I'd make a sh*t load of people depressed in my wake. I'd destroy my family, which is not doing well as it is. Like, I'm just tired of all the bull****. Like, this is my last two years...

• Grandfather died. We were close.
• Mom gets cancer. She survived it but my f*cking mother got cancer.
• Only girl I ever loved broke up with me.
• My brother becomes a heroin addict.
• My brother robs a gas station with a machete and goes to jail for three months
• My brother is on drug court and if he fails a drug test he goes to jail for five years.
• My dad has developed crippling depression.
• My grandmother ets arrested and kicked out of her home because her partner's kids hated her and wanted to keep all of his posessions after he died. He had cancer.
• I moved and now have immense finanncial billage.
• I left a job I loved for more pay and now I hate it. I spend every single day alone.
• I'm literally forgetting a million other horrible things that happened.

Like....I'm just f*cking spent.

__________________
LastFM

SUPREME POO BAH MODERATOR EXTRAORDINAIRE

Pet_Sounds

I can't relate exactly to what you're going through, Exo, but my dad suffers from depression (so do I, upon occasion - don't know if it'll get worse) and he's felt exactly the same way. Like, right down to walking for hours when he's depressed. Hope things get better.

__________________
Everybody's dying just to get the disease

GuD

For mostly completely different reasons I understand how you feel and it's beyond unpleasant. But suicidal ideation is still nothing to sneeze at, even if you know you're not going to do it. I'm sure you know this but even just the urge or fantasy to do something so self destructive is enough to hinder your ability to progress.

You need some self-time. Your entire life for the passed few years has been devoted to others- it's even evidenced in your reasoning for choosing not to do something drastic to yourself. You need a break. You need something really positive and self-assuring to happen. You deserve it. Wish I could say I knew what that break could be but I can't. Sometimes things just fall into place. Sometimes you gotta nut the **** up and ****ing make that goddamn **** happen.

You're unhappy with your job and that's totally fair. Worse yet it sounds like you're sorta stuck with it until you can sort yourself out financially. I'm all too familiar with being in that position and what I've found to help is overindulging in positive things that I enjoy. In your case I guess that would be film. Maybe take a film class or something on a day off. Even if it's redundant (I can't remember if you ever "officially" studied film) it'll keep your mind occupied on things that don't bother you. Alternatively, try something new. Pick up an instrument you've never played before. Taking some cooking classes. ****, if money is so much of an issue put it on a credit card. You're going to get better. You're going to be in a place where you're not only happy but you're also able to take care of things like that.

__________________
I spit bullets in my feet
Every time I speak
So I write instead
And still people want me dead
~msc

ladyislingering

That is one of the most hurtful, dismissive things a person could say to someone suffering from mental illness. Any mental illness is like an unforgiving, slow-burning cancer of the mind. People with a healthy mental status don't understand this... but they wouldn't tell someone suffering from a physical cancer that they didn't want to deal with them until they didn't have cancer anymore.

It hurts more than anything when someone you really trust and rely on to get you through the pain suddenly decides you're not "sick" enough for them to care about. You're hurting so much, you need their support, but they're too caught up in how "negative" you are, or how your illness makes them feel. They act as if you chose to be ill, as if you enjoy trudging through every fucking day with your brain throwing a ton of bullshit at you every second.

It fucking blows feeling like the people you're close to don't love you enough to care for you in your hours of need. It sucks when all your mind wants to do is cry all night - it's even worse when there's people around you that are a little more stable than you are, rolling their eyes or sniping at you for the noise you're making. Mental illness is a real illness that has devastating, debilitating effects.

Does winter seem to be a more difficult time for you? Personally, winter devours me...

__________________

Exo

That statement couldn't have been more on point. It's funny, BD posted a question in that...uhhh, ask a question thread, about what was the best advice you've ever been given. I was going to replay with something my dad said before he got sick.

"Your friend and family are important. You're more important though. You have to take care of yourself first."

I didn't post it because I haven't been taking that advice lately. My father literally tells me every single time I visit, which is once a week, that I'm the only thing keeping him together. That's a lot of responsibility man. I need a f*cking break as you say.

My photography has taken a seat. I started to paint but that has ceased for the time being. Hell, I don't even have the motivation to see films or even write about them. I've only posted in my blog once since Halloween.

I need something to happen fast.

__________________
LastFM

SUPREME POO BAH MODERATOR EXTRAORDINAIRE

Chula Vista

Exo, (at times like this I hate not knowing real names)

Two months ago I was ready to blow my brains out. My wife took my son and two dogs to a motel for a couple of days because she was afraid for them to be at home with me and the gun we have. I'd researched it and was ready - we'd renewed life insurance policies a while back and I wanted to be sure of the suicide clauses. I sat in a chair with the gun in my hand thinking about why I shouldn't. I came very very close.

Fortunately my wife reached out to my two sisters back east and a semi-family intervention took place. What a dick I would have been to have done it.

Shoot me a PM if you want to talk. We can exchange phone #s.

I've been where you're hanging. I know exactly what you're feeling. Let me help.

__________________

“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well,
on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away
and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”

Exo

While everything you said makes perfect sense, it's a little different. While I would obviously enjoy a little more support from her, she isn't exactly a perfect example of mental health. She tried to kill herself in high school, almost succeeded. I think that since then, she's adopted a "get sh*t done" attitude. I wish I had that sort of thinking. I just can't seem to get it together and it's affecting her as well. She loves me too, but I'm bringing her down with me.

Is this an excuse? Probably. I just don't blame her for anything. She's actually tried to help me the most out of everyone. She suggested I see a therapist. I think she just came to a wall and she reacted badly. I can't fault her for that.

__________________
LastFM

SUPREME POO BAH MODERATOR EXTRAORDINAIRE

Exo

Heavy sh*t man. I hope everything is getting better for you. I hope that it's okay right now. I appreciate the offer an I will certainly take it up if I need it.

So far you and Frown have reached out to me and I can't thank you two enough. I'll say this to both of you. I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. In the event I'm not, I'll certainly reach out to two people who are obviously good enough to help somebody who they have never met before. I don't want to make little of my post. I meant everything I said, but if you guys are worried about my state of mine right now. Don't. I swear I have no intent to do anything that will harm myself. I'm just wrestling with some seriously bad vibes right now.

My name is Joe by the way.

__________________
LastFM

SUPREME POO BAH MODERATOR EXTRAORDINAIRE

ladyislingering

So maybe it's more that she just doesn't have the capacity to give you adequate support? Does she ever talk about anything that's bothering her/anything she's thinking about or is the consolation thing a one-way street?

__________________