I really wish I could have told someone about this customer a lot earlier in the day but there's really no casual way to say "someone in the restroom was shitting the lost city of Atlantis and trying to have a conversation with me at the same time".

Shortly after lunch, as I was heading back to work, I made a quick trip to the ladies' room. When I entered the restroom, there was a pair of shoes, a water bottle, and a couple of tote bags strewn over the floor - complete with an absolutely obnoxious woman experiencing what I can only describe as the bowel event of a lifetime.

"Hello? Is someone there?"

I didn't answer because I figured it was just some super cracked-out person trying to shoot up or something.

"Oh, I guess you're not answering."

I felt a little guilty and awkward and apologized.

She said, "I really wish I could get going" .... then trailed off into an unintelligible babble, ending in what sounded like "cancer".

"I'm so sorry" I pitifully responded, just trying to take a peaceful piss and get the hell out of there.

"Oh, no, it's ok, I really shouldn't be talking out loud right now."

"....you're ok."

It was only then that she unleashed an unholy, seemingly endless and horrific ass-noise while I sat there completely mortified. It sounded like a machine gun completely unloading inside of a tub of pudding. If there were any elderly people within earshot, they probably dove under the nearest table with flashbacks of nuclear war preparations.

After the terror ceased (and the city called off the earthquake warning) I kid you not, she said...

"Woo lawd, girl, we're having a diarrhea moment!"

I was laughing so hard I hardly got past washing my hands before I broke down and just cackled. I was laughing as a mother and her poor baby daughter were walking in the door.

About 10 minutes later, that mother approached me and said "I saw you laughing at that woman in the restroom".

"Yes... she was, um... very strange..."

"She started breakdancing after you left."

"... W...h...at?"

"I had to get out of there because I was laughing so hard. It was the strangest thing I've ever seen!"

"yeah... we get the weird ones here..."

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh