Quote:
Originally Posted by Paedantic Basterd
I am so unhappy with my relationships right now, all of them. Being in the presence of my colleague leaves me so lonely every day that I reach out to the dozens of friends and acquaintances I supposedly made over the last year, but all of my friendships were conditional and based on shared space. All of them were a product of attending the same classes 4 days a week, and now that this framework has come down, there's really nothing left of my friends. Everyone is constantly too busy to make plans, or too busy to follow through on them. All I'm really asking is for is to have some company when I'm alone and unoccupied in the evenings, so I don't have to ruminate with myself. It's disheartening how having a dozen friends is actually worse than having none, because there wasn't a sense of loss before I made them.
I'm entirely certain there is nothing on the other end of this friendship with my work partner, maybe not even friendship. I have somewhere between 1 month and 2.5 before we go our separate ways, and even though I know that's probably for the best, it's gradually making me frustrated and angry with everyone in my life.
I've got a no-win situation on my hands, and the most frustrating, unjust part is that this time, for the first time in my life, I didn't create this situation for myself. Every other social ****-up I've ever had has at least been mine. I don't think I deserve this, this time.
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Pretty much my experience the last few months. You're hardly alone in this situation. Granted, I might not have made connections and friendships via classes, but still not having the free time to hang with people blows. I still had people to fall back on when things got really bad this week with that girl I was trying to be in a relationship with. I started lashing out at my friends for being/feeling alone, but I do that to get people to hate me as a form of self-harm. Being frustrated at being alone, and having feelings for someone that won't culminate into anything more, it's crushing.
As far as having situational friends because of classes, that's always been the case with school for me. I had to go out and just do things and somehow I met people I liked. You'd be surprised where you can find like minded people even if you are sure there wouldn't be anyone. Some friendships from school/work deepen, some fade. I've thrown caution into the wind a lot lately because I was tired of being alone, some of it bad, some of it good, but I'm kind of glad I haven't been going with my gut feelings about people. Try not to turn down any possible offers for anything, someone asks you to jam, get lunch, or have coffee? Do it unless they give you really bad vibes.
I had to get my head out of that zone by keeping my mind busy with work, painting, focusing more on doing more music related things (Building instruments, recording ideas, forming connections with people instead of keeping music to myself). It feels really good to be productive with my hobbies, even if I made a little flying saucer water instrument made of mixing bowls (I must be 4 or something). I don't know if you've had any time to art lately, but I remember some of your works from years ago and was wondering if you have been keeping up with that.