The Relationship Thread.

[The Batlord]

Originally Posted by wolverinewolfweiselpigeon

Missed this yesterday - appreciate the input!

It just makes me feel like a ****ty person when I wake up in the morning thinking "oh, great, you again" about the man in my bed. I ended up making him a mixcd to feel excited about something and it worked, I feel better.

Honestly, when I think of a long term relationship, I don't fantasize so much about the whole lovey dovey, rom com 4 eva thing. I love the idea of someone who you can just be comfortable sitting in a room with without having to say anything to just to enjoy their company. Being so comfortable with them that you're perfectly happy to be each other's tedious norm until the day one of you drops dead.

I mean, what friends do you value more? The ones who are a blast to spend a Friday night trashing bars with? Or the ones who you can just spend a bored Sunday with, trading the personal minutiae of your week over a few beers?

[GuD]

Does anyone have any advice on picking up on social ques? I feel like that's a weird question to ask but the only time I seem to understand a person's intentions is when they're completely point-blank and literal. I had a haircut today and spent my entire visit trying to figure out if my hairdresser was flirting with me. And there's times when I'm just completely oblivious to how the things I say may be interpreted until it's far too late. I feel so ****ing dumb and far behind in the world of relationships

[DwnWthVwls]

It's impossible to tell homie. Some people are just really nice and flirty and mean absolutely nothing by it. Use your best judgement, and don't be creepy

[The Batlord]

Originally Posted by WhateverDude

Does anyone have any advice on picking up on social ques? I feel like that's a weird question to ask but the only time I seem to understand a person's intentions is when they're completely point-blank and literal. I had a haircut today and spent my entire visit trying to figure out if my hairdresser was flirting with me. And there's times when I'm just completely oblivious to how the things I say may be interpreted until it's far too late. I feel so ****ing dumb and far behind in the world of relationships

I have the same problem. Without behavioral therapy though, I think it's something that you never just "get the hang of" if it's some kind of developmental thing, like autism or whatever.

Best I can tell you is to be aware of what a person's face is doing. A lot of the time I'll be talking to someone, but I'll only be passively paying attention to their facial expressions, so even if I have some idea of how they're feeling or thinking on the inside, it won't really register. It's not something I do on purpose, for some reason it just doesn't feel like interpreting someone's facial expressions and body language should be as important as it apparently is. If that's how you are, then don't do that.

[Oriphiel]

Originally Posted by WhateverDude

Does anyone have any advice on picking up on social ques? I feel like that's a weird question to ask but the only time I seem to understand a person's intentions is when they're completely point-blank and literal. I had a haircut today and spent my entire visit trying to figure out if my hairdresser was flirting with me. And there's times when I'm just completely oblivious to how the things I say may be interpreted until it's far too late. I feel so ****ing dumb and far behind in the world of relationships

Just ask them in a casual and natural way if they like you, and don't be offended if they turn you down; if you don't make a big deal out of it, then they probably won't either, you know? It's not like they're going to yell "Ha! Foolish mortal! You would dare to flirt with me?! You will pay for your insolence! Die!" and then rip your head off.

Just imagine the situation if the roles were reversed; if someone thought that you liked them, wouldn't you prefer that they just talked to you about it rather than be awkward around you all of the time? And if they did talk to you, and you just weren't very attracted to them, so you decided to turn them down, wouldn't you probably be nice about it rather than laugh in their face? Just go with your gut, and like DwnWthVwls said, "don't be creepy".

[GuD]

Originally Posted by The Batlord

I have the same problem. Without behavioral therapy though, I think it's something that you never just "get the hang of" if it's some kind of developmental thing, like autism or whatever.

Best I can tell you is to be aware of what a person's face is doing. A lot of the time I'll be talking to someone, but I'll only be passively paying attention to their facial expressions, so even if I have some idea of how they're feeling or thinking on the inside, it won't really register. It's not something I do on purpose, for some reason it just doesn't feel like interpreting someone's facial expressions and body language should be as important as it apparently is. If that's how you are, then don't do that.

This is what worries me. It would explain a lot if I had some form of high functioning autism because reading others has never been something I've been good at. Especially with facial expressions or eye-contact. I don't usually make eye contact with people when I talk to them, if I do it's more out of guilt because people seem offended... but I find it extremely overwhelming whether I'm attracted to a person or not. I guess the difference is it's very important to me to understand what people are feeling, I just don't feel like I do unless it's really obvious.

@Ori, it's not so much rejection that concerns me as much as it is just frustration with the thought of there being more going on then I'm able to understand.

[fiddler]

Originally Posted by Oriphiel

Just ask them in a casual and natural way if they like you, and don't be offended if they turn you down; if you don't make a big deal out of it, then they probably won't either, you know? It's not like they're going to yell "Ha! Foolish mortal! You would dare to flirt with me?! You will pay for your insolence! Die!" and then rip your head off.

Just imagine the situation if the roles were reversed; if someone thought that you liked them, wouldn't you prefer that they just talked to you about it rather than be awkward around you all of the time? And if they did talk to you, and you just weren't very attracted to them, so you decided to turn them down, wouldn't you probably be nice about it rather than laugh in their face? Just go with your gut, and like DwnWthVwls said, "don't be creepy".

Originally Posted by WhateverDude

This is what worries me. It would explain a lot if I had some form of high functioning autism because reading others has never been something I've been good at. Especially with facial expressions or eye-contact. I don't usually make eye contact with people when I talk to them, if I do it's more out of guilt because people seem offended... but I find it extremely overwhelming whether I'm attracted to a person or not. I guess the difference is it's very important to me to understand what people are feeling, I just don't feel like I do unless it's really obvious.

@Ori, it's not so much rejection that concerns me as much as it is just frustration with the thought of there being more going on then I'm able to understand.

Ori is right, just out right ask 'em. But one way to tell is if they stare at you. Either your hair cut is jacked up, or they're checkin' ya out. Try to notice subtle things about them like their hair looks good or something. Compliment, but don't be a creep - nobody likes a creep. If they blush and giggle and act all cutesy they're probably really happy you noticed. If they are cool and collected they're probably not. Subtle things are always overlooked, especially when you see some one every single day, or you don't take the time to pay attention.

[Oriphiel]

Originally Posted by WhateverDude

@Ori, it's not so much rejection that concerns me as much as it is just frustration with the thought of there being more going on then I'm able to understand.

Picking up on social cues partly comes naturally, but also partly comes from practice. And you won't know if your hairdresser likes you unless you ask. So get out there, talk to them, and either way you'll get some much needed experience. With a stone like that, I fear any two birds that fly your way.

[Paedantic Basterd]

I am so unhappy with my relationships right now, all of them. Being in the presence of my colleague leaves me so lonely every day that I reach out to the dozens of friends and acquaintances I supposedly made over the last year, but all of my friendships were conditional and based on shared space. All of them were a product of attending the same classes 4 days a week, and now that this framework has come down, there's really nothing left of my friends. Everyone is constantly too busy to make plans, or too busy to follow through on them. All I'm really asking is for is to have some company when I'm alone and unoccupied in the evenings, so I don't have to ruminate with myself. It's disheartening how having a dozen friends is actually worse than having none, because there wasn't a sense of loss before I made them.

I'm entirely certain there is nothing on the other end of this friendship with my work partner, maybe not even friendship. I have somewhere between 1 month and 2.5 before we go our separate ways, and even though I know that's probably for the best, it's gradually making me frustrated and angry with everyone in my life.

I've got a no-win situation on my hands, and the most frustrating, unjust part is that this time, for the first time in my life, I didn't create this situation for myself. Every other social ****-up I've ever had has at least been mine. I don't think I deserve this, this time.

[Sequoioideae]

Originally Posted by Paedantic Basterd

I am so unhappy with my relationships right now, all of them. Being in the presence of my colleague leaves me so lonely every day that I reach out to the dozens of friends and acquaintances I supposedly made over the last year, but all of my friendships were conditional and based on shared space. All of them were a product of attending the same classes 4 days a week, and now that this framework has come down, there's really nothing left of my friends. Everyone is constantly too busy to make plans, or too busy to follow through on them. All I'm really asking is for is to have some company when I'm alone and unoccupied in the evenings, so I don't have to ruminate with myself. It's disheartening how having a dozen friends is actually worse than having none, because there wasn't a sense of loss before I made them.

I'm entirely certain there is nothing on the other end of this friendship with my work partner, maybe not even friendship. I have somewhere between 1 month and 2.5 before we go our separate ways, and even though I know that's probably for the best, it's gradually making me frustrated and angry with everyone in my life.

I've got a no-win situation on my hands, and the most frustrating, unjust part is that this time, for the first time in my life, I didn't create this situation for myself. Every other social ****-up I've ever had has at least been mine. I don't think I deserve this, this time.

Pretty much my experience the last few months. You're hardly alone in this situation. Granted, I might not have made connections and friendships via classes, but still not having the free time to hang with people blows. I still had people to fall back on when things got really bad this week with that girl I was trying to be in a relationship with. I started lashing out at my friends for being/feeling alone, but I do that to get people to hate me as a form of self-harm. Being frustrated at being alone, and having feelings for someone that won't culminate into anything more, it's crushing.

As far as having situational friends because of classes, that's always been the case with school for me. I had to go out and just do things and somehow I met people I liked. You'd be surprised where you can find like minded people even if you are sure there wouldn't be anyone. Some friendships from school/work deepen, some fade. I've thrown caution into the wind a lot lately because I was tired of being alone, some of it bad, some of it good, but I'm kind of glad I haven't been going with my gut feelings about people. Try not to turn down any possible offers for anything, someone asks you to jam, get lunch, or have coffee? Do it unless they give you really bad vibes.

I had to get my head out of that zone by keeping my mind busy with work, painting, focusing more on doing more music related things (Building instruments, recording ideas, forming connections with people instead of keeping music to myself). It feels really good to be productive with my hobbies, even if I made a little flying saucer water instrument made of mixing bowls (I must be 4 or something). I don't know if you've had any time to art lately, but I remember some of your works from years ago and was wondering if you have been keeping up with that.