The Batlord

1. "I Kama Mahali Mbaya" (< You pretentious *******) 12:06: WTF even is this? I'm too drunk for this ****. I'm given to understand that this project is noise music or something, but it feels more like what I ignorantly associate with drone, or maybe a free form, arbitrary-ish, no wave thing. I'm pretty sure DNA was heavily influenced by Beafheart, and the dry production does remind me of them.

I'm trying to pay attention to a twelve-minute song, but again... drunk. With a little more reverb, the guitar would probably be more engaging, but then again, I like my weirdness to have a creepy, unsettling vibe, and I really don't know what emotions you're trying to evoke, assuming you're going for anything other than sonic obtuseness.

The guitar sounds formless, but the bass(?) has more structure (relatively speaking)... and now the bass(?) is starting to take precedence over the guitar in much the same formless fashion, so... yeah. Don't really know what I'm supposed to be getting from this.

I'm sure there's Beefheart, free jazz, noise, and possibly that no wave thing I'm hearing going on (though a disproportionate amount of my familiarity with obtuse, avant garde music comes from no wave, so I could be Trollhearting it), and since I'm a n00b with that ****, I'm really getting nothing from this.

I do kind of "like" the ringing, bell-like quality of the guitar sound though, but I'm being generous. **** this and **** you.

2. "Gravity Resistor" 26:59: Oh, god damn it. This is more than twice as long. Please god let this be different enough that I don't feel like I'm listening to a longer version of the first song.

I don't know what all that clicking is supposed to be, 4:30 or whatever into the song (guitar?), but... alright, not gonna pretend I care much more than I did earlier, so, meh. Less meh than before, but still largely meh.

I'm gonna try to remain as engaged as possible, just to be fair, but I can't promise anything. Solitaire may be needed not to turn this into background music.

I hate your face. Not even talking about your douchestache. Your entire mug is now offensive to me.

How much longer? Fifteen minutes? You're trolling the world, aren't you?

I'm looking at your band pic, and you look like a B&W combination of Leon Trotsky and Che Guevara. I'm sure that makes you happy.

Just looked, and there's no bass guitar, so I'm assuming one of your guitars is just tuned lower than the other? And what the **** are "reeds"?

Wait a minute. Is the Trotsky/Guevara guy even you? Cause I see some dude in a wicker hat in a mirror that looks more like you. WTF? That dude I thought was you has some hairy ****ing legs, man. Tell him/you to shave that ****. He/you looks half ape.

Sax no less boring than anything else. Eight minutes left. Just an endurance test now. Just a little over an hour to go after that. FML.

*singing* Gonna shoot myself! MYSELF!!! MYSELF!!! Shoot my-mother****ing-self in the temple, and request an... OPEN CASKET FUNERAL!!! *singing*

Three minutes left. Come on. Come on. I can do this. Need more beer. If it wasn't for constant piss breaks, this would not be possible.

I feel like I'm listening to this, but not listening to it at the same time. It's weird. Hurry up with this ****. One more minute, and it's piss break time.

*takes a piss, smokes a cigarette, drinks more beer*

Alright, lets do this ****.

3. "A Van Per Oven" 17:09: Why even have a title track? Minimalist guitar, backed with some mutant country. I'm sure this will task me as much as the last TWO SONGS, but at least there's... something... ah, whatever. **** you. Who's "singing", anyway? You? Aragorn? Aaaand it's gone.

Is the music player skipping? Nope. Kill me. This is like modern day Earth, but on bad heroin. Really, really bad heroin. Not weak heroin, just dirty heroin.

Through only desensitization, I am 3/4 of the way through this song without knowing how so much time has passed. I think I have found the key to getting through this. Booze helps. Kind of.

Minute and a half left! Yes! Only an hour left.

4. "Spastic Plastic" 09:47: Three and a half minutes in? When'd that happen?

Minute and a half left, and it's made no more of an impression on me than the rest. Hate, hate, hate, and a double-helping of extra hate. If I hate it any less, it's simply because it's only ten minutes long.

5. "Elephant Eye Test" 10:55: I'm going to start quoting ICP lyrics, just to show you what music I think is better than yours...


Just quoted all that from memory. Respect.

**** your sax, TBH. Sounds like an elephant being sexually assaulted. But in a bad way. Not a sexy way.

Oh ****, it's been a while and I haven't shat on your music. Still sucks. Like, still the elephant molestation. Balls to this.

6. "Gurgitating Pulp" 19:01: I never thought I'd be happy that an album I hated would only have forty minutes left to go, but there it is. I'm happy. In a hateful way. Still happy though.


I really can't think of anything else to say about this song/album. Nothing about it has made me like anything about it. I hope you get cancer.

Only five minutes in. ****ing ****bitch.

Nine and a half minutes left. Just ****ing end. God I hate everything about this.

Six more minutes, and then I'm taking another piss and smoke break before the home stretch. The home stretch is a twenty-minute song. Frownland is a ****. This was some quality trolling. I'd applaud you if I didn't want you dead. Oh yeah, still hate that elephant rape sax. I think a nineteen-minute sexual assault on an endangered species is worth life in prison.

Fifty seconds. Forty seconds. Thirty seconds. Twenty seconds. Ten seconds. Bam! Done with this ****ing song. That actually made it go by quicker. Now for a piss and a smoke.

7. "Nasty Vibrations" 20:37: Last song. Last twenty-minute ****ing song. Let's do this ****.

Abrasive feedback. I like this better than anything I've heard yet, simply because it's leaving a vague impression on me.

Yeah, but seriously, **** this ****.

****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****. And more ****. That's the sex pejorative. Not the excrement one. Though in all honesty, both would apply.

Nine more minutes? Alright, whatever. I've made it this far. It ain't ****. Though the music certainly is.

Am I even listening to this anymore? I think I am, but I can't be sure. Alright, yeah, I'm listening. I think. Trying at least, but I still don't know.

Four minutes left! God this thread sucks.

Hurry the god damn **** up and end! I just bought Witcher 2, and I need to get into that **** to wash the taste of this out of my mouth. Longest two minutes of my life.

One minute!

Ten seconds!

DONE!!! Oh god yes! I'm not at all exaggerating when I say that that was the most an album has ever tortured me. There is nothing about this album that I do not hate. If it wasn't for this thread, there is nothing on this Earth that could have possessed me to finish this album. Frownland needs to give up his music "career" and get a job selling women's perfume.

Final rating:


/10

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