The Batlord

1. "I Kama Mahali Mbaya" (< You pretentious *******) 12:06: WTF even is this? I'm too drunk for this ****. I'm given to understand that this project is noise music or something, but it feels more like what I ignorantly associate with drone, or maybe a free form, arbitrary-ish, no wave thing. I'm pretty sure DNA was heavily influenced by Beafheart, and the dry production does remind me of them.

I'm trying to pay attention to a twelve-minute song, but again... drunk. With a little more reverb, the guitar would probably be more engaging, but then again, I like my weirdness to have a creepy, unsettling vibe, and I really don't know what emotions you're trying to evoke, assuming you're going for anything other than sonic obtuseness.

The guitar sounds formless, but the bass(?) has more structure (relatively speaking)... and now the bass(?) is starting to take precedence over the guitar in much the same formless fashion, so... yeah. Don't really know what I'm supposed to be getting from this.

I'm sure there's Beefheart, free jazz, noise, and possibly that no wave thing I'm hearing going on (though a disproportionate amount of my familiarity with obtuse, avant garde music comes from no wave, so I could be Trollhearting it), and since I'm a n00b with that ****, I'm really getting nothing from this.

I do kind of "like" the ringing, bell-like quality of the guitar sound though, but I'm being generous. **** this and **** you.

2. "Gravity Resistor" 26:59: Oh, god damn it. This is more than twice as long. Please god let this be different enough that I don't feel like I'm listening to a longer version of the first song.

I don't know what all that clicking is supposed to be, 4:30 or whatever into the song (guitar?), but... alright, not gonna pretend I care much more than I did earlier, so, meh. Less meh than before, but still largely meh.

I'm gonna try to remain as engaged as possible, just to be fair, but I can't promise anything. Solitaire may be needed not to turn this into background music.

I hate your face. Not even talking about your douchestache. Your entire mug is now offensive to me.

How much longer? Fifteen minutes? You're trolling the world, aren't you?

I'm looking at your band pic, and you look like a B&W combination of Leon Trotsky and Che Guevara. I'm sure that makes you happy.

Just looked, and there's no bass guitar, so I'm assuming one of your guitars is just tuned lower than the other? And what the **** are "reeds"?

Wait a minute. Is the Trotsky/Guevara guy even you? Cause I see some dude in a wicker hat in a mirror that looks more like you. WTF? That dude I thought was you has some hairy ****ing legs, man. Tell him/you to shave that ****. He/you looks half ape.

Sax no less boring than anything else. Eight minutes left. Just an endurance test now. Just a little over an hour to go after that. FML.

*singing* Gonna shoot myself! MYSELF!!! MYSELF!!! Shoot my-mother****ing-self in the temple, and request an... OPEN CASKET FUNERAL!!! *singing*

Three minutes left. Come on. Come on. I can do this. Need more beer. If it wasn't for constant piss breaks, this would not be possible.

I feel like I'm listening to this, but not listening to it at the same time. It's weird. Hurry up with this ****. One more minute, and it's piss break time.

*takes a piss, smokes a cigarette, drinks more beer*

Alright, lets do this ****.

3. "A Van Per Oven" 17:09: Why even have a title track? Minimalist guitar, backed with some mutant country. I'm sure this will task me as much as the last TWO SONGS, but at least there's... something... ah, whatever. **** you. Who's "singing", anyway? You? Aragorn? Aaaand it's gone.

Is the music player skipping? Nope. Kill me. This is like modern day Earth, but on bad heroin. Really, really bad heroin. Not weak heroin, just dirty heroin.

Through only desensitization, I am 3/4 of the way through this song without knowing how so much time has passed. I think I have found the key to getting through this. Booze helps. Kind of.

Minute and a half left! Yes! Only an hour left.

4. "Spastic Plastic" 09:47: Three and a half minutes in? When'd that happen?

Minute and a half left, and it's made no more of an impression on me than the rest. Hate, hate, hate, and a double-helping of extra hate. If I hate it any less, it's simply because it's only ten minutes long.

5. "Elephant Eye Test" 10:55: I'm going to start quoting ICP lyrics, just to show you what music I think is better than yours...


Just quoted all that from memory. Respect.

**** your sax, TBH. Sounds like an elephant being sexually assaulted. But in a bad way. Not a sexy way.

Oh ****, it's been a while and I haven't shat on your music. Still sucks. Like, still the elephant molestation. Balls to this.

6. "Gurgitating Pulp" 19:01: I never thought I'd be happy that an album I hated would only have forty minutes left to go, but there it is. I'm happy. In a hateful way. Still happy though.


I really can't think of anything else to say about this song/album. Nothing about it has made me like anything about it. I hope you get cancer.

Only five minutes in. ****ing ****bitch.

Nine and a half minutes left. Just ****ing end. God I hate everything about this.

Six more minutes, and then I'm taking another piss and smoke break before the home stretch. The home stretch is a twenty-minute song. Frownland is a ****. This was some quality trolling. I'd applaud you if I didn't want you dead. Oh yeah, still hate that elephant rape sax. I think a nineteen-minute sexual assault on an endangered species is worth life in prison.

Fifty seconds. Forty seconds. Thirty seconds. Twenty seconds. Ten seconds. Bam! Done with this ****ing song. That actually made it go by quicker. Now for a piss and a smoke.

7. "Nasty Vibrations" 20:37: Last song. Last twenty-minute ****ing song. Let's do this ****.

Abrasive feedback. I like this better than anything I've heard yet, simply because it's leaving a vague impression on me.

Yeah, but seriously, **** this ****.

****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****. And more ****. That's the sex pejorative. Not the excrement one. Though in all honesty, both would apply.

Nine more minutes? Alright, whatever. I've made it this far. It ain't ****. Though the music certainly is.

Am I even listening to this anymore? I think I am, but I can't be sure. Alright, yeah, I'm listening. I think. Trying at least, but I still don't know.

Four minutes left! God this thread sucks.

Hurry the god damn **** up and end! I just bought Witcher 2, and I need to get into that **** to wash the taste of this out of my mouth. Longest two minutes of my life.

One minute!

Ten seconds!

DONE!!! Oh god yes! I'm not at all exaggerating when I say that that was the most an album has ever tortured me. There is nothing about this album that I do not hate. If it wasn't for this thread, there is nothing on this Earth that could have possessed me to finish this album. Frownland needs to give up his music "career" and get a job selling women's perfume.

Final rating:


/10

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Trollheart

That is the single funniest and most entertaining thing I have heard all year! ****ing A Batty! Now you know how I felt listening to Merzbow! You are a god.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Frownland

Pfft that album ain't **** dude. Just wait till you listen to this

Kaoru Abe & Masayuki Takayanagi - Mass Projection

And ftr if you weren't asking for music that you'd probably hate I'd have given a different album of ours. Indecent Vibrations might actually be something you would rock.

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Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth.

The Batlord

If I knew just how intensely awful your music was, I would have given you a massive pic of a middle finger before reviewing it. **** you. My offer to discuss your album and what about it I might be missing, so that I could give it another try, is rescinded. I'm never listening to that again.

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Frownland

It's amazing and we both know it.

Seriously though, Indecent Vibrations will contort your love knob.

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Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth.

Machine

Batty please keep this going for a long, that was absolutely ****ing hilarious please let us torture you, so we can hear you **** on our music taste.

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boost my ego

listen to me stroke my delay pedal

ever wanted to hear death grips songs... but they're acoustic? me neither.

The Batlord

Unfortunately, I have found a good quality Youtube vid of that Keiji Haino album, so expect that in a little bit. **** me.

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YorkeDaddy

Now I feel bad giving him an album he might actually like :/

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http://cloudcover1.bandcamp.com/
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9-Time Winner of MusicBanter's "Most Qualified to be a Moderator" Award

Neapolitan

I am not wasting my time thinking up a rec for The Batlord that he probably won't give a poop about so without a further ado...

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?lis...8649327A485C5B

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The Batlord

1. Untitled 5:24: None of these songs have titles, but the whole album is less than forty minutes, so that is a vast improvement over Frownland's first rec. Even if I hate this, at least it won't feel like a marathon of "Oh my god, make this end, now!" Here we go...

Random... talking, but with no music. Half a minute in, and no music, just... melancholy talking? Let's call it talking. Hints of feedback, but still mostly talking. Screaming? Breathy pain exhalations that may or may not be words?

So, like, is that a black metal album cover? Better than most BM covers, but that is still a ****ing black metal cover.

"Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!" Three minutes in, and that's the most that I've heard. Now silence. I have a feeling my ears are about to be assaulted. So, like, this is the entirety of the first track? Talking/exhalations/screaming, and hints of feedback?

Oh, that was a piano. Assuming someone was extremely timid about playing the piano, but very comfortable with arbitrary vocalizations.

Yup, that was the whole first track. Still better than WISSK.

2. Untitled 5:39: Wait a minute. The track listing on RYM says this album is less than forty minutes, but the Youtube vid is an hour and thirteen minutes long. Am I being had?

Some kind of string instrument. Not doing much, but it's an instrument that's doing something sustained.

Nothing much going on, so I'm checking my Youtube replies. Some chick named "penny maria briggs" is explaining to some ****nut who Jane Austen is (about Saints Row IV), and somebody +1'd my comment about some guy who claimed that his ringtone was Pig Destroyer's "Starbelly" (I said, "Remind me to call you at Thanksgiving"). I'm up to +10 on that comment. Score.

Was that the end of track two? Yup. Just sparse strings and Keiji talking. Seriously, Frownie? This is great? This is like, boring. Nothing is happening. WTF? You are almost as cartoonishly pretentious as Innerspace Cowboy.

Almost.

3. Untitled 3:05: Louder strings now. I'm now assuming this to be guitar. Or some kind of Japanese thing. Never can tell with these Japanese wackadoos.

Is this album really gonna be this for an hour and thirteen minutes? If so, I'm cutting this off at RYM's track list. Might as well. Twenty-five extra minutes of boredom isn't going to make me any more enlightened.

4. Untitled 2:48: Are we at track four? I think so, but who the **** can really tell. He's just playing the same sparse strings and mumbling. Was he just really tired when he recorded this? Every once in a thirty seconds he'll play a noisy riff that lasts for a second at most, but that's about it.

I think we're almost to track five, but it's really hard to tell, since Youtube doesn't give a track listing. I'm having to use math to add up the track lengths on RYM. **** math.

5. Untitled 2:37: Track five? I think so. I don't know that it matters, but the math seems to suggest so, and he kind of paused long enough that I think it changed songs. Now the strings are kind of making... bubbly noises? Close enough.

What's the point of this? I feel like I'd have to be on drugs, staring at the ceiling, and not really paying attention to the music in order to really pick up what this guy is putting down. Active listening just makes this mindlessly du- RANDOM GUITAR NOISE!!!

Alright. Something not boring.

6. Untitled 3:04: Oops. Changed songs without me noticing. The guitar noise stuff was track six. Probably.

This is really just marginally more entertaining than the boring quiet ****. I think the next "song" starts at approximately 22:30. I'll have to remember that.

Just kind of the same repeated guitar noise/feedback.

7. Untitled 2:00: Alright, if this song is two minutes long, and track six ended at 22:34, then 24:34 is the next song. I'll have to tie a string around my finger.

Alright, I'm calling this instrument whatever is the Japanese equivalent of the mandolin. An electric mandolin. Is that a thing? Kinda droney now. Dissonant and yet somehow mellow and melodic. And now it's done.

8. Untitled 4:15: Song ended at 24:40 or something, so 28:55 is what I'm waiting for. I'm not so much waiting till the end as I'm taking gratification in figuring out when one song ends and another begins. It's an academic thing. Gotta get something out of this boring, pretentious... wank? Can I call this wank? I don't know. Snooze either way.

Loudish electric mandolin thingamajigger. Of course it's droney and boring. I need heroin for this. Mushrooms would probably just give me a lame but still somehow bad trip.

Oh yeah, he's mumbling louder. I don't know how you can mumble loudly, but he is. Not loud loud, but louder than he was.

Next song yet? Nope. 'Nother minute.

9. Untitled 4:23: God damn it, I accidentally went back to 22:something or other. Now I have to go forward again. There we go. Song starts at 29:00 I think, so 33:23 is where we're aiming for. Definitely not listening to the whole vid. If thirty-eight minutes is good enough for RYM, then it's good enough for me. ****ing bonus tracks. I'm assuming.

Quiet noodling. Riveting. There's the sad mumbling again.

Seriously, Frownland, what's so great about this? Can you honestly tell me that you'd give a flying **** about this album if you weren't on hardcore drugs when you listened to it? Even John Cage would be like, "This **** is too quiet, dude."

10. Untitled 3:51: Last song (as far as I'm concerned).

Piano, or Japanese mandolin-thing? Who ****ing cares? Even Keiji Haino doesn't really sound like he gives a ****. I'm kind of waiting this out, but I guess I should mention that this song is just more sparse mandolin-thing noodling with more mumbling.

And we're done. You know what I could have been doing instead of listening this? Softly stroking the head of my penis while watching softcore pornography. It would have been infinitely more stimulating, while providing me with the exact same amount of orgasms. Frownland is a douche.

Final verdict:


/10

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