"area unexpected" - too clinical, too removed, if this effects you emotionally, find another way to say this.
"and like rain it fell from the clouds" - Cliche
"just the thought of you alive
is enough to bring down the sky" - I like this it isn't bad, I hope you tell me why.
"The faces turn white from the shock
of ten thousand shotgun hearts
beating through my chest" - Its not bad, but faces do turn white from shock, hearts do beat in chests, their not cliche but their not imagined either. I'd jsut attempt to spruce them up.
the pages fall out of the walls
of libraries
in a dimly lit city
"whihc now encovers you as a tomb" - wait, who the **** is "you" and why did they die.
"if you do not understand why
you must die then my work goes unfinshed" too wordy, shorten it I'd say.
"as i stare straight into the sun I wonder
why the blood didn't wash off" this is ok, but if the city is dimly lit, whats wrong with this sun? Is the blood on the sun?
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