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12-31-2005, 07:08 PM | #1 (permalink) |
Music Addict
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 56
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To Bleed From One's Eyes
She bled from an area unexpected
and like rain it fell from the clouds just the thought of you alive is enough to bring down the sky The faces turn white from the shock of ten thousand shotgun hearts beating through my chest the pages fall out of the walls of libraries in a dimly lit city whihc now encovers you as a tomb if you do not understand why you must die then my work goes unfinshed as i stare straight into the sun I wonder why the blood didn't wash off
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My heart is on strings and wires |
12-31-2005, 11:40 PM | #5 (permalink) |
killedmyraindog
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Posts: 11,172
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"area unexpected" - too clinical, too removed, if this effects you emotionally, find another way to say this.
"and like rain it fell from the clouds" - Cliche "just the thought of you alive is enough to bring down the sky" - I like this it isn't bad, I hope you tell me why. "The faces turn white from the shock of ten thousand shotgun hearts beating through my chest" - Its not bad, but faces do turn white from shock, hearts do beat in chests, their not cliche but their not imagined either. I'd jsut attempt to spruce them up. the pages fall out of the walls of libraries in a dimly lit city "whihc now encovers you as a tomb" - wait, who the **** is "you" and why did they die. "if you do not understand why you must die then my work goes unfinshed" too wordy, shorten it I'd say. "as i stare straight into the sun I wonder why the blood didn't wash off" this is ok, but if the city is dimly lit, whats wrong with this sun? Is the blood on the sun?
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I've moved to a new address |
01-01-2006, 12:55 AM | #6 (permalink) |
Don't think twice
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: A basement on the hill
Posts: 352
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is this about that statue that cried blood. its good tho, you have a skill for writing.
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Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation |
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