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Old 12-31-2005, 08:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default To Bleed From One's Eyes

She bled from an area unexpected
and like rain it fell from the clouds
just the thought of you alive
is enough to bring down the sky
The faces turn white from the shock
of ten thousand shotgun hearts
beating through my chest
the pages fall out of the walls
of libraries
in a dimly lit city
whihc now encovers you as a tomb
if you do not understand why
you must die then my work goes unfinshed
as i stare straight into the sun I wonder
why the blood didn't wash off
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Old 12-31-2005, 08:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
[[la de da diddy da]]
 
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For some reason I can't get a beat in my head for this song, but the lyrics are brilliant non the less, as always.
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Old 12-31-2005, 08:38 PM   #3 (permalink)
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yeah but this a rough draft.
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Old 12-31-2005, 08:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Really? It looked very good though...like I said the lyrics are brilliant.
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Old 01-01-2006, 12:40 AM   #5 (permalink)
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"area unexpected" - too clinical, too removed, if this effects you emotionally, find another way to say this.

"and like rain it fell from the clouds" - Cliche

"just the thought of you alive
is enough to bring down the sky" - I like this it isn't bad, I hope you tell me why.

"The faces turn white from the shock
of ten thousand shotgun hearts
beating through my chest" - Its not bad, but faces do turn white from shock, hearts do beat in chests, their not cliche but their not imagined either. I'd jsut attempt to spruce them up.

the pages fall out of the walls
of libraries
in a dimly lit city

"whihc now encovers you as a tomb" - wait, who the **** is "you" and why did they die.

"if you do not understand why
you must die then my work goes unfinshed" too wordy, shorten it I'd say.

"as i stare straight into the sun I wonder
why the blood didn't wash off" this is ok, but if the city is dimly lit, whats wrong with this sun? Is the blood on the sun?
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Old 01-01-2006, 01:55 AM   #6 (permalink)
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is this about that statue that cried blood. its good tho, you have a skill for writing.
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