Life: Part 2 (Self Discovery and Struggles)
There are plenty of people who may not be surprised to find out that I suffer from things that are within my own control to find the source of cure, but unfortunately with the lack of motivation, I deal with it. I've been told i'm bipolar and suffer a real taste of depression (no surprise). However, I also recently found out that I share a lot of qualities for someone that has aspergers syndrome. Basically what this means (and this doesn't necessarily flow into the forum) is that I have a tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Which is part in due to my social awkwardness.
Let me tell you a story about Christmas a few years ago. Perhaps this was the worst thing I've ever done and I've yet to recover from it: Prior to literally a few months ago, there was a long time where our family was fighting with my older brothers girlfriend to see my nephew (my parents grandson, etc etc.) During this time, my older brother (who was sober) was doing everything he could to get the family on his side. Unfortunately until recently things were going great, he was going to get legal custody from her, and my nephew was going to live with my parents. Well, unfortunately for my older brother he is an addict, so he ended up living on the streets and dealing heroin instead of trying to get his son back. At this point, my family was pretty much done with him, and luckily we're able to see my nephew now because my older brothers ex has been cooperating since we're all dealing with his addiction. Anyway, back to the story. During the Christmas holiday, my older brother came over to my parents place, and so did I. As we were opening gifts, something was brought up in the sense of me losing someone's trust or whatever, and I blurted out "well no wonder your son doesn't love you." Bare in mind, this was at the peak of time where everyone was missing my older brothers son a lot. So you can only imagine the amount of shame I brought onto myself. Not to mention my parents, my siblings, my cousins, and my grandparents were in the room when I said it. Even though my older brother has forgiven me for that, I can never forgive myself. I think about that all the time because honestly, I wish I could go back to that day and keep myself from saying it.
I'm not saying the above was a result of aspergers. I'm saying I have a tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and people with aspergers syndrome or any development disorders play into this type of thing. This is only a fraction of an example of why I've been led to believe I have this. Also not forgetting that my younger brothers girlfriend works at a mental institution of sorts, and my daily routines and behaviors fit that of someone who suffers from this ordeal.
Anyway, long story short. I have a problem with communication, and instead of thinking things through, I blurt things out. For whatever reason, if I don't get a say in something whether it's to start an argument or whatever, I get anxious. It's almost as if I'm trying to make myself be the center of attention so that I feel more depressed (enough to crawl back into my room and be alone). It's probably something to do with my defensive behavior not working the way it always has. Also keep in mind that during that Christmas specifically, it was at a point where I was working all the time, and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown due to everything with my ex going on at that time. I hadn't moved out of my apartment yet, but she wasn't at Christmas that year. She was instead at home getting wasted without my supervision. So you can only imagine what I came home to. Yes, several bottles of liquor spread across the floor, and her passed out at the laptop I bought her a year prior.
What I'm mostly trying to get across here is that I really don't have much control over the way I react to arguments or criticism, so I go to what I know best and that is to be on the defensive and react to it accordingly. I apologize in advance if I've ever done this to any of you. Evident through the fact that every time I start a ****storm, I immediately PM that person or I apologize to them directly in the forum. You've seen me do it several times. I think part of that is why I always say not to take the things I say too seriously, because more than 90% of the time, I really have no idea what I'm starting or doing until it's too late.
If there is any doubt at this point, I do my best to keep myself from thinking things that bring me down, and honestly it's not as simple as "just think positive." I can't do that, especially this year. I mean...let's be honest, 2016 hasn't been a great year, and for me specifically, I've lashed out at people because of what I've gone through. I know i'm not the one person going through ****, but this was the year that my entire life fell apart. It was as if the years prior to this year were preparing me for the ****storm that was to occur. Pretty soon hopefully I'll be able to bring together enough thought to talk about how I was raised and give you an idea of certain things I've never gone public with in order to throw forward some understanding as to why I behave the way I do. Until that point, I appreciate you guys reading these posts, and a part 3 of my life will be posted soon. I'm hoping to have it focus on my earlier years.