Key

When you think about it, if you were to look at yourself in the mirror, who really are you and what do you see? Are you blinded by your own insecurities that with one simple change of hairstyle, you can get back out in the world with full confidence? Well lucky you. If I had even a smidgen of an experience that would change my entire life around, I'd take it. But it seems if there is some form of being up above, he or it has different plans for me.

Be honest, we all say it. "I'm Depressed." But, most of the time from my experience with talking to other people that claim to have anxiety or claim they're depressed, all they're doing is setting you up to fail. There are of course very rare instances where you talk to someone and they meet you on the same wavelengths almost entirely. So much so that you can't possibly imagine not being friends with them. The word depression I feel has lost a lot of meaning, more-so due to people's inability to properly use the word. I've said it before, I'm depressed. Almost to the point that it's physically painful. And I have anxiety, or I've had anxiety since I was a child and had night terrors almost every night. It's absolutely real. The feeling that I'm most used to is waking up in the morning through your alarm, and instantly feeling like you're worthless. Because of this, I go through life thinking I'm not good enough, that I don't deserve anything better than what the worst offer can be, and that sets my bar extremely low. So much so that the decisions I make actually physically make me ill. I hardly sleep at night because I don't want to keep feeling that feeling when I wake up. But it sincerely happens 99% of the time. It's actually sad, because although I do love sleep, I'll keep myself awake until the next morning, just to escape the feeling of worthlessness.

When you do this to yourself, you start to portray the very being of what it means to be depressed and filled with anxiety. Many times through my own life, I've pushed people away almost unknowingly because of my own insecurities of opening up to them. This has happened to me almost entirely throughout my life. One person I get close to, I lose them, another person, I lose them. I had one of the absolute best friend last year. We used to talk about everything. Star Wars, movies, video games, music. It was something truly spectacular, and given that this was during my harsh break up, I felt like I was burdening her, and subsequently I never told her how I felt about her. It's true, I had strong feelings for this friend, because for the first time in my life, I felt like somebody truly cared about what I said. We would share paragraphs of text to each other, to the point that we were almost inseparable. Unfortunately, I got too wrapped up in my own self inflicted wounds that I basically lost her. I think about that all the time, because in my mind, there are a lot of ways to change the past, but in the moment you can't possibly think of it at the time. If I could go back, I probably would tell her straight up how I feel. I can't imagine what my life would look like if only I had taken the plunge. But, of course depression and anxiety play a huge part in this. The result is that we just don't talk anymore. Haven't seen her in quite some time. I even texted her on New Years wishing her a great year and she responded with "who is this?"

It hurts. It truly hurts when you have to live your life each day with something inside you eating at you 24/7. It's hard to go through life knowing that you are just going to **** up again, regardless of the situation. It's an obvious conclusion to take from this that I am truly just not happy with myself, at all. Not a single part.