The Batlord

*Murican

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Key

Didn't realize people were talking in here.

Trollheart

We're not. It's all in your head. Go back to sleep.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Key

When you think about it, if you were to look at yourself in the mirror, who really are you and what do you see? Are you blinded by your own insecurities that with one simple change of hairstyle, you can get back out in the world with full confidence? Well lucky you. If I had even a smidgen of an experience that would change my entire life around, I'd take it. But it seems if there is some form of being up above, he or it has different plans for me.

Be honest, we all say it. "I'm Depressed." But, most of the time from my experience with talking to other people that claim to have anxiety or claim they're depressed, all they're doing is setting you up to fail. There are of course very rare instances where you talk to someone and they meet you on the same wavelengths almost entirely. So much so that you can't possibly imagine not being friends with them. The word depression I feel has lost a lot of meaning, more-so due to people's inability to properly use the word. I've said it before, I'm depressed. Almost to the point that it's physically painful. And I have anxiety, or I've had anxiety since I was a child and had night terrors almost every night. It's absolutely real. The feeling that I'm most used to is waking up in the morning through your alarm, and instantly feeling like you're worthless. Because of this, I go through life thinking I'm not good enough, that I don't deserve anything better than what the worst offer can be, and that sets my bar extremely low. So much so that the decisions I make actually physically make me ill. I hardly sleep at night because I don't want to keep feeling that feeling when I wake up. But it sincerely happens 99% of the time. It's actually sad, because although I do love sleep, I'll keep myself awake until the next morning, just to escape the feeling of worthlessness.

When you do this to yourself, you start to portray the very being of what it means to be depressed and filled with anxiety. Many times through my own life, I've pushed people away almost unknowingly because of my own insecurities of opening up to them. This has happened to me almost entirely throughout my life. One person I get close to, I lose them, another person, I lose them. I had one of the absolute best friend last year. We used to talk about everything. Star Wars, movies, video games, music. It was something truly spectacular, and given that this was during my harsh break up, I felt like I was burdening her, and subsequently I never told her how I felt about her. It's true, I had strong feelings for this friend, because for the first time in my life, I felt like somebody truly cared about what I said. We would share paragraphs of text to each other, to the point that we were almost inseparable. Unfortunately, I got too wrapped up in my own self inflicted wounds that I basically lost her. I think about that all the time, because in my mind, there are a lot of ways to change the past, but in the moment you can't possibly think of it at the time. If I could go back, I probably would tell her straight up how I feel. I can't imagine what my life would look like if only I had taken the plunge. But, of course depression and anxiety play a huge part in this. The result is that we just don't talk anymore. Haven't seen her in quite some time. I even texted her on New Years wishing her a great year and she responded with "who is this?"

It hurts. It truly hurts when you have to live your life each day with something inside you eating at you 24/7. It's hard to go through life knowing that you are just going to **** up again, regardless of the situation. It's an obvious conclusion to take from this that I am truly just not happy with myself, at all. Not a single part.

Tristan_Geoff

I've felt what you're feeling I understand bud.



On a side note, I'm curious as to what yourfavorite Kanye songs are. I can't stop listening to Flashing Lights this past month or so no matter how hard I try.

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Key

Mostly 808's and Heartbreak.

Tristan_Geoff

808's is awesome. Streetlights better be in your top 10 brotendo.

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Key

If the first thing you think about upon reading this is "man Ki, grow up, get over it," I will happily lead you out the same door you walked in on. This stuff is extremely personal to me and if you don't like it, you can gtfo.

Anyway, I don't recall if I've talked about this particular topic exactly or in depth before, so I want to take this opportunity for people to get a little taste of what my mind has done to me over the years that I've been on this Earth. I do suffer from what they would call night terrors. Although it's not as frequent or terrifying as they once were when I was a kid, you have to take into consideration that this type of stuff doesn't just leave your mind or your body for good. It's one of those things that you tell people have happened to you, but they don't entirely understand what it is or what I'm implying (give or take a few people that know, of course). Night terrors are certainly something I would not wish upon anybody. The feeling of something creeping up on you, and keeping you awake is not something I would consider normal, nor should I. I know it's ****ed to see the things that I see, but unfortunately it's what I live with. It's a part of me.

A more specific example would be an occurrence that happened to me as a kid. I was probably 12...13, maybe 14. Back int he day, this was when the house I live in now was lively and full of family members, so my younger brother and I shared a bunk bed. Well, I would wake up almost every night because I would see things that obviously weren't there. It got to the point that I was nearly crippled, almost physically unable to move because of an unstoppable force taking over me. This particular instance was one of the first times I had witnessed things getting so much larger in size that it felt suffocating. And if you think that's bull****, take that up with my parents that had to shelter me under a blanket on the couch in order to keep the bad things from getting to me. It was the only place I felt safe. From an outsiders perspective, it's hard to truly understand what is being seen. If I could explain it in the best way I can, just imagine looking in front of you, and seeing the walls closing in on you, and nearly crushing you to death. I do feel that I may have actually felt the taste of death through this, although I know that seems impossible.

If I could put it in a way you could understand: try to think of the most terrifying thing you've ever seen. And I mean the most truly most terrifying thing you've ever seen. Now...imagine that particular fear creeping up on you nearly every night when you're at an age that is not up to par with keeping things out of your head. It's not something that sounds fun or particularly good. Because it isn't. I personally wish I never had to experience it, but unfortunately some people have to. And no, I don't want help because what good would that do? What am I gonna do, tell someone that I experienced this and end up in a mental hospital somewhere? No. I'm not of the opinion that these particular instances are meant to be seen in a negative fashion, more-so they should be seen as a part of you. If I'm ever in a mental asylum, it'll be because I did something truly horrible. Don't worry, that won't happen.

You may not believe me, but night terrors are a very real and very common thing among people. If you think of it as a light topic, tell me to my face that it is a light topic. I'll make you a believer in no time. And hell, you don't even have to believe me. I know it happened. That's all that matters.

Key

Of course. I would probably put it in my top 5 for that album specifically.

Key

When you've disassociated yourself from the universe entirely, it's a completely new experience than it is to just forget something happened. Throughout my years on this earth, I would say a good 70-80% of it has been shown through the way my mind wants me to see things. I've not the faintest clue what it means to understand what is going on in this world. Hell, call me crazy. I don't care. I'm not one of those people that will stand in the crowd and be like everybody else. Why would I put myself through such hell? When did it become socially unacceptable to be the person you are as opposed to being normal. Everybody expects something, and more often than not, those expectations are met with certainty that it is the way to be, at least from the perspective of the accuser.

Now, why am I mentioning all of this? Well, to disassociate oneself means to also put yourself into this sort of purgatory that you exist in. I don't particularly disassociate myself entire obviously. Some of my remembers certain aspects of how to live and how to supposedly thrive. However, on a day to day basis, at least for me, I'm looking at an exact mirror image of the day before. Even if there is a sudden change, like a different car moving or different people walking, I see the same thing. I've painted a picture in my head that allows me to just see that image and not be worried about anything else. This means that I'm not very talkative in public. Good. I don't want to be. I am talkative at work of course but that's required. Now, somewhat unexpectedly, I've had the pleasure of being able to communicate this sort of purgatory state with similar persuasion. Subsequently, this allowed a connection to form. The kind of connection you never want to lose touch of. A connection so deep that it allows your current state to enjoy the moments that are shared within that connection. And obviously, this means that those moments are far more special than the norm can ever realize. It's a nice change of pace from the same monotonous movements of every day life.

What does this mean for future me though. Well, it's very easy, and I'm going to explain it to you in the best way I can. The world knows that I'm depressed, that I'm stuck in a bad state, that my anxiety and self guilt tend to be my most disgusting attribute to those on the outside. That I can't be happy. It's true. However, this particular instance allows that attribute to flourish and create something on top of the creation that exists currently. It becomes a way to be happy with being sad. A way to be able to talk about being sad, and not automatically make it a bad thing. This works in ways you can't imagine. And the connection then strengthens to something even deeper than before cementing that connection for life. I'm not going to sit around and act like I'm not depressed or that I'm not hateful of the way my life turned out at the age of 26 (next month) but I'm also not going to be told that it's a bad way to live. I won't let people tell me "oh, just work out, it'll work." I'm not going to assume you know what you're talking about just because you're older. I won't automatically assume you don't know ****. But when I know that there is a connection out there that can allow that feeling to flourish and heal on its own, I don't have to believe much else.


Talking about something else. I would like to discuss the reasoning of choosing those specific lyrics out of Elliott Smith's A Fond Farewell, and showcase why I have that very name of the song tattoo'd on my left arm. It's not only meant to signify a tattoo, or a song that I really like. No, it's there for me to look at when things are truly bad, when things turn for the worse, and when I look at it, I see the scars it covers, the life I've lived, the people I've seen and talked to. And it makes me realize that it can all be ripped away from you in a second. Throughout my life, this has taken deeper and deeper meaning since the first time I was abandoned, and made a fool of in the grasps of a neighbor. When I got this tattoo, I cemented all of those things I've been through in my life for good. People like to give trauma a bad name, when in actuality, it turns you into this human life being that is capable of so much more than they themselves will ever realize. I get it. It seems weird that I'd be talking about a human being knowing what they're capable of. But that's the difficulty. I know I can be certainly capable of big things, but I know that I'm not capable of getting up and doing them. Why would I put myself through the turmoil? I've learned the hard way what disappointment feels like, and it's a feeling I'd like to hold onto, if only to grow from it. Bare in mind, this excludes the connection we talked about earlier. That has taken a deeper meaning in this life than anything else.