Key

When you've disassociated yourself from the universe entirely, it's a completely new experience than it is to just forget something happened. Throughout my years on this earth, I would say a good 70-80% of it has been shown through the way my mind wants me to see things. I've not the faintest clue what it means to understand what is going on in this world. Hell, call me crazy. I don't care. I'm not one of those people that will stand in the crowd and be like everybody else. Why would I put myself through such hell? When did it become socially unacceptable to be the person you are as opposed to being normal. Everybody expects something, and more often than not, those expectations are met with certainty that it is the way to be, at least from the perspective of the accuser.

Now, why am I mentioning all of this? Well, to disassociate oneself means to also put yourself into this sort of purgatory that you exist in. I don't particularly disassociate myself entire obviously. Some of my remembers certain aspects of how to live and how to supposedly thrive. However, on a day to day basis, at least for me, I'm looking at an exact mirror image of the day before. Even if there is a sudden change, like a different car moving or different people walking, I see the same thing. I've painted a picture in my head that allows me to just see that image and not be worried about anything else. This means that I'm not very talkative in public. Good. I don't want to be. I am talkative at work of course but that's required. Now, somewhat unexpectedly, I've had the pleasure of being able to communicate this sort of purgatory state with similar persuasion. Subsequently, this allowed a connection to form. The kind of connection you never want to lose touch of. A connection so deep that it allows your current state to enjoy the moments that are shared within that connection. And obviously, this means that those moments are far more special than the norm can ever realize. It's a nice change of pace from the same monotonous movements of every day life.

What does this mean for future me though. Well, it's very easy, and I'm going to explain it to you in the best way I can. The world knows that I'm depressed, that I'm stuck in a bad state, that my anxiety and self guilt tend to be my most disgusting attribute to those on the outside. That I can't be happy. It's true. However, this particular instance allows that attribute to flourish and create something on top of the creation that exists currently. It becomes a way to be happy with being sad. A way to be able to talk about being sad, and not automatically make it a bad thing. This works in ways you can't imagine. And the connection then strengthens to something even deeper than before cementing that connection for life. I'm not going to sit around and act like I'm not depressed or that I'm not hateful of the way my life turned out at the age of 26 (next month) but I'm also not going to be told that it's a bad way to live. I won't let people tell me "oh, just work out, it'll work." I'm not going to assume you know what you're talking about just because you're older. I won't automatically assume you don't know ****. But when I know that there is a connection out there that can allow that feeling to flourish and heal on its own, I don't have to believe much else.


Talking about something else. I would like to discuss the reasoning of choosing those specific lyrics out of Elliott Smith's A Fond Farewell, and showcase why I have that very name of the song tattoo'd on my left arm. It's not only meant to signify a tattoo, or a song that I really like. No, it's there for me to look at when things are truly bad, when things turn for the worse, and when I look at it, I see the scars it covers, the life I've lived, the people I've seen and talked to. And it makes me realize that it can all be ripped away from you in a second. Throughout my life, this has taken deeper and deeper meaning since the first time I was abandoned, and made a fool of in the grasps of a neighbor. When I got this tattoo, I cemented all of those things I've been through in my life for good. People like to give trauma a bad name, when in actuality, it turns you into this human life being that is capable of so much more than they themselves will ever realize. I get it. It seems weird that I'd be talking about a human being knowing what they're capable of. But that's the difficulty. I know I can be certainly capable of big things, but I know that I'm not capable of getting up and doing them. Why would I put myself through the turmoil? I've learned the hard way what disappointment feels like, and it's a feeling I'd like to hold onto, if only to grow from it. Bare in mind, this excludes the connection we talked about earlier. That has taken a deeper meaning in this life than anything else.