I’ll go through parts II, III, and IV eventually, but I do have some thoughts (and a couple grammatical errors) on part I.
It looks like an interesting variation of a Greek myth. I recognize a lot of these characters from my Myth and Man High School class. One of these days, I’ll get back into reading the Greek classics. Anyhow, I’m enjoying this little trip to Hell.
Okay, now for the nitpicks…
Keep running, even though your chest feels like it’s going to explode and your
heart burst through it. (heart bursts)
but then in almost the selfsame moment
(comma)that relief turned to horror
men used to use these devices to ride along the seas,
long long and long ago. (more commas)
He knew them, of course, who did not? They called them roaches, due to the slight similarity to the insects his people had so often crushed underfoot. ( you have a thing about roaches, haven’t you?
)
Damn them. Damn them all to hell. Didn’t they have any regard for a man’s dignity? (Planet of Apes refererence?)
when he returned having successfully made it out beyond the compound,
came (coming?) back with tales of adventure, daring and bravery.
So, it looks like a pretty scary story. It has elements of old Greek Literature and hints of Kafka’s Metamporphosis. I’ll read the other chapters later, but so far so good.