What are you Writing now?

Oriphiel · 01-11-2018, 02:06 PM

You should try submitting your work to a lit mag, TH. Could use a bit of tightening, but pretty good. I've seen way worse stories get published. I really liked it. Here's hoping Batlord wasn't at the compound when Trangor visited, or he'd probably give up on humanity then and there.

As for what I've been writing, though I don't really talk about it much on here, I've actually been working on a book for the past two months set in that same sort of ruined post nuclear world. No giant intelligent cockroaches, though.

rubber soul · 01-11-2018, 02:24 PM

I’ll go through parts II, III, and IV eventually, but I do have some thoughts (and a couple grammatical errors) on part I.

It looks like an interesting variation of a Greek myth. I recognize a lot of these characters from my Myth and Man High School class. One of these days, I’ll get back into reading the Greek classics. Anyhow, I’m enjoying this little trip to Hell.

Okay, now for the nitpicks…

Keep running, even though your chest feels like it’s going to explode and your heart burst through it. (heart bursts)

but then in almost the selfsame moment (comma)that relief turned to horror

men used to use these devices to ride along the seas, long long and long ago. (more commas)

He knew them, of course, who did not? They called them roaches, due to the slight similarity to the insects his people had so often crushed underfoot. ( you have a thing about roaches, haven’t you?

)

Damn them. Damn them all to hell. Didn’t they have any regard for a man’s dignity? (Planet of Apes refererence?)

when he returned having successfully made it out beyond the compound, came (coming?) back with tales of adventure, daring and bravery.

So, it looks like a pretty scary story. It has elements of old Greek Literature and hints of Kafka’s Metamporphosis. I’ll read the other chapters later, but so far so good.

Oriphiel · 01-11-2018, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubber soul

Keep running, even though your chest feels like it’s going to explode and your heart burst through it. (heart bursts)

Actually, this part was fine the way it was. Since the heart hasn't actually burst through yet, "bursts" would be incorrect, though "will burst" or "is going to burst" would work. Same reason why the "explode" in the sentence isn't "explodes".

There are plenty of legit errors, though. Get on dat shit, TH!

Also, coincidentally enough, I wrote a story about a guy whose heart burst out of his chest a couple months ago. Needless to say, none of the mags were keen on it.

Trollheart · 01-11-2018, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oriphiel

You should try submitting your work to a lit mag, TH. Could use a bit of tightening, but pretty good. I've seen way worse stories get published. I really liked it. Here's hoping Batlord wasn't at the compound when Trangor visited, or he'd probably give up on humanity then and there.

As for what I've been writing, though I don't really talk about it much on here, I've actually been working on a book for the past two months set in that same sort of ruined post nuclear world. No giant intelligent cockroaches, though.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm not sure such mags even exist any more though, do they? The likes of Analog would have been maybe a target, though it's probably too long for them. Also, I doubt they publish unknown authors. I'll look forward to reading your book.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubber soul

I’ll go through parts II, III, and IV eventually, but I do have some thoughts (and a couple grammatical errors) on part I.

It looks like an interesting variation of a Greek myth. I recognize a lot of these characters from my Myth and Man High School class. One of these days, I’ll get back into reading the Greek classics. Anyhow, I’m enjoying this little trip to Hell.

Not aware of the myth, and I'm interested in my mythology. Care to elaborate?
As for your nitpicks, let me respond quickly.

Quote:

Keep running, even though your chest feels like it’s going to explode and your heart burst through it. (heart bursts)

No, I think that's right. Even though it feels like your chest will explode and your heart burst. It feels as if your heart will burst. Maybe I needed to add "will" but otherwise I'd argue that's ok.

Quote:

but then in almost the selfsame moment (comma)that relief turned to horror

I definitely don't use as many commas as I should; you may be right here, but then again I don't know. It's a kind of running sentence so it could work without commas, like "He turned behind him and at that moment beheld ..." Not sure to be honest.

Quote:

men used to use these devices to ride along the seas, long long and long ago. (more commas)

Same argument really. Probably semantics, but maybe, maybe not.

Quote:

He knew them, of course, who did not? They called them roaches, due to the slight similarity to the insects his people had so often crushed underfoot. ( you have a thing about roaches, haven’t you?

)

Yeah I hate the damn things. But I felt it was the best way to "alienise" the aliens, make them seem totally evil and savage, which of course as you read on you find is the furthest thing from the truth.

Quote:

Damn them. Damn them all to hell. Didn’t they have any regard for a man’s dignity? (Planet of Apes refererence?)

No, I wasn't aware of that one.

Quote:

when he returned having successfully made it out beyond the compound, came (coming?) back with tales of adventure, daring and bravery.

I think that's right. Essentially it's a shortened form of when he returned back to the compound and came back with tales etc.

Quote:

So, it looks like a pretty scary story. It has elements of old Greek Literature and hints of Kafka’s Metamporphosis. I’ll read the other chapters later, but so far so good.

Yeah I guess it does. Never thought about the Kafka thing. Glad you're enjoying it. The vampire one is up next. Thanks for taking the time to critique it and read this one.

Trollheart · 01-11-2018, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oriphiel

Actually, this part was fine the way it was. Since the heart hasn't actually burst through yet, "bursts" would be incorrect, though "will burst" or "is going to burst" would work. Same reason why the "explode" in the sentence isn't "explodes".

That's the way I saw it too.

Quote:

There are plenty of legit errors, though. Get on dat shit, TH!

Sorry, I don't make errors. You must be thinking of someone else.

Seriously, can you point them out, as I check my writing all the time before uploading and I'd be interested to see where I went wrong, if I did. Thanks.

Oriphiel · 01-11-2018, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm not sure such mags even exist any more though, do they? The likes of Analog would have been maybe a target, though it's probably too long for them. Also, I doubt they publish unknown authors.

Yeah, there are a bunch of Sci Fi lit mags still kicking, although many are now pure digital. Besides the aforementioned Analog, there's also Fantasy & Science Fiction, Clarkesworld, Asimov's, and plenty more. And most accept submissions from everyone, famous or otherwise.

As for the errors, it's mostly issues of spacing/commas, with a few things worded a bit awkwardly. I'm sure rubber soul will point them all out for ya.

**Exo** · 01-11-2018, 03:05 PM

I sure as sh*t ain't writing the sci-fi comedy story I'm supposed to write. Sorry Ori. Too busy. No inspiration anyway.

rubber soul · 01-11-2018, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm not sure such mags even exist any more though, do they? The likes of Analog would have been maybe a target, though it's probably too long for them. Also, I doubt they publish unknown authors. I'll look forward to reading your book.

Not aware of the myth, and I'm interested in my mythology. Care to elaborate?

I know there are online magazines where you might be able to submit your work. One such site is something called Spank The Carp who liked to advertise on my writing site. Anyway, look around a little, and you might be able to find someone. Also, someone from my old forum mentioned Smashwords which would publish your work for free as long as they got a cut of the profits. At least that's what I think she said.

Basically, I was referring to the characters. I'm a little rusty on my Greek Mythology, but Hades was the god of the underworld as I think you may have mentioned. The story I'm most familiar with is the story of Persephone, who is Hades' wife. Orpheus was a musician essentially who went to the Underworld to rescue his wife Euripides. Hades agreed to let her follow him out but if he looked back, she would be lost to the Underworld forever. And of course the nitwit looked. There's some stuff on all the characters on Wiki and there certainly has to be some sites on Mythology out there. I was very interested in it during High School.

Oriphiel · 01-11-2018, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Exo

I sure as sh*t ain't writing the sci-fi comedy story I'm supposed to write. Sorry Ori. Too busy. No inspiration anyway.

In time, I may forgive you.

Btw, I wrote half of my comedy entry before the contest went belly up. It was basically about OccultHawk quitting his job, giving all his co-workers their just desserts, while a bunch of characters that jumped out of film student movies ran amuck.

**Frownland** · 01-11-2018, 03:14 PM

I've decided that my 9/11 stoner comedy is better geared for a screenplay than a short story.

01-11-2018, 02:06 PM	#451 (permalink)
Oriphiel Ask me how! Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: The States Posts: 5,355	You should try submitting your work to a lit mag, TH. Could use a bit of tightening, but pretty good. I've seen way worse stories get published. I really liked it. Here's hoping Batlord wasn't at the compound when Trangor visited, or he'd probably give up on humanity then and there. As for what I've been writing, though I don't really talk about it much on here, I've actually been working on a book for the past two months set in that same sort of ruined post nuclear world. No giant intelligent cockroaches, though. __________________ ---------------------- \|---Mic's Albums---\| ---------------------- ----------------------------- \|---Deafbox Industries---\| -----------------------------

01-11-2018, 03:05 PM	#457 (permalink)
Exo All day jazz and biscuits Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: NJ Posts: 7,359	I sure as sht ain't writing the sci-fi comedy story I'm supposed to write. Sorry Ori. Too busy. No inspiration anyway. __________________ LastFM SUPREME POO BAH MODERATOR EXTRAORDINAIRE*

01-11-2018, 03:14 PM	#460 (permalink)
Frownland SOPHIE FOREVER Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: East of the Southern North American West Posts: 35,548	I've decided that my 9/11 stoner comedy is better geared for a screenplay than a short story. __________________ Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth. d e a f b o x

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