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Originally Posted by Oriphiel
You should try submitting your work to a lit mag, TH. Could use a bit of tightening, but pretty good. I've seen way worse stories get published. I really liked it. Here's hoping Batlord wasn't at the compound when Trangor visited, or he'd probably give up on humanity then and there.
As for what I've been writing, though I don't really talk about it much on here, I've actually been working on a book for the past two months set in that same sort of ruined post nuclear world. No giant intelligent cockroaches, though.  |
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm not sure such mags even exist any more though, do they? The likes of Analog would have been maybe a target, though it's probably too long for them. Also, I doubt they publish unknown authors. I'll look forward to reading your book.
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Originally Posted by rubber soul
I’ll go through parts II, III, and IV eventually, but I do have some thoughts (and a couple grammatical errors) on part I.
It looks like an interesting variation of a Greek myth. I recognize a lot of these characters from my Myth and Man High School class. One of these days, I’ll get back into reading the Greek classics. Anyhow, I’m enjoying this little trip to Hell.
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Not aware of the myth, and I'm interested in my mythology. Care to elaborate?
As for your nitpicks, let me respond quickly.
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Keep running, even though your chest feels like it’s going to explode and your heart burst through it. (heart bursts)
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No, I think that's right.
Even though it feels like your chest will explode and your heart burst. It feels as if your heart will burst. Maybe I needed to add "will" but otherwise I'd argue that's ok.
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but then in almost the selfsame moment (comma)that relief turned to horror
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I definitely don't use as many commas as I should; you may be right here, but then again I don't know. It's a kind of running sentence so it could work without commas, like "He turned behind him and at that moment beheld ..." Not sure to be honest.
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men used to use these devices to ride along the seas, long long and long ago. (more commas)
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Same argument really. Probably semantics, but maybe, maybe not.
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He knew them, of course, who did not? They called them roaches, due to the slight similarity to the insects his people had so often crushed underfoot. ( you have a thing about roaches, haven’t you?  )
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Yeah I hate the damn things. But I felt it was the best way to "alienise" the aliens, make them seem totally evil and savage, which of course as you read on you find is the furthest thing from the truth.
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Damn them. Damn them all to hell. Didn’t they have any regard for a man’s dignity? (Planet of Apes refererence?)
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No, I wasn't aware of that one.
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when he returned having successfully made it out beyond the compound, came (coming?) back with tales of adventure, daring and bravery.
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I think that's right. Essentially it's a shortened form of
when he returned back to the compound and came back with tales etc.
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So, it looks like a pretty scary story. It has elements of old Greek Literature and hints of Kafka’s Metamporphosis. I’ll read the other chapters later, but so far so good.
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Yeah I guess it does. Never thought about the Kafka thing. Glad you're enjoying it. The vampire one is up next. Thanks for taking the time to critique it and read this one.