Its not awful. She gets the point across clearly, while still making it rhyme and the fact that the rhyming scheme changes isn't a problem if its a mid-section, with a different vocal melody and rhythm.
Two things you should change are:
1. A lot of the individual phrases. Currently you get the point across, but its all a bit ugly, clumsy and unpoetic. This counts for a lot of the lines, so I'd suggest just look at each of them individually and see if you can alter them, one at a time even, to give them more style.
2. You use the word 'I' way, way too much. Written down, it visually stands out, like pimples on the face of the lyric. When its sung, as it isn't used as a hookline and doesn't seem to be used in a particularly rhythmic way, it sounds very repetitive. Not in a good way. The song is about you and somebody else, but that doesn't mean that you have to keep saying 'I' the whole way through though.
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Originally Posted by Katyppfan
When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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