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Old 03-11-2006, 07:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
angel of tragic days
 
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Hey you over there with the long hair
Will you lean over here and tell me your fears
Answer my question, was I wrong?

All I wanted was for you to see
You were the only thing that meant anything to me
I tried... I couldn’t see past your fucking eyes

You whispered softly in my ears
Replacing love with your desperate fears
I swore to you I wouldn’t leave
I made a promise that I would always keep

Never once did I question you
I always believed the words you said
Just like I believed you took no one else to bed

As if I couldn’t walk any more
I ran across the wooden floors I screamed at you
I pushed you away I made you feel like trash that day

As if I could ever do such a thing
It was a dream just like every meaningful thing you ever said

---------wrote last year---------
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Old 03-11-2006, 08:53 PM   #2 (permalink)
Here's lookin at you, kid
 
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This one however, is wonderful, dear

The only line I don't like is...I made a promise that I would always keep

it just seems awkward, I don't know why...
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Old 03-12-2006, 04:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
that's my war face.
 
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This song is awful. 'Hey there you with the long hair' really sets the tone for the overall weakness of this song. The rhyming scheme goes off balance within the middle of the song, and then totally fades away towards the end. I'm sorry, but I think it's back to the drawing board for you..
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Old 03-12-2006, 07:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Its not awful. She gets the point across clearly, while still making it rhyme and the fact that the rhyming scheme changes isn't a problem if its a mid-section, with a different vocal melody and rhythm.

Two things you should change are:
1. A lot of the individual phrases. Currently you get the point across, but its all a bit ugly, clumsy and unpoetic. This counts for a lot of the lines, so I'd suggest just look at each of them individually and see if you can alter them, one at a time even, to give them more style.
2. You use the word 'I' way, way too much. Written down, it visually stands out, like pimples on the face of the lyric. When its sung, as it isn't used as a hookline and doesn't seem to be used in a particularly rhythmic way, it sounds very repetitive. Not in a good way. The song is about you and somebody else, but that doesn't mean that you have to keep saying 'I' the whole way through though.
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 03-12-2006, 08:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I really hate this song. I don't know why, I just do. Maybe it's not my cup of tea, but honestly I really dislike this.
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Old 03-12-2006, 12:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
angel of tragic days
 
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thank you all... and i will look it over later on and see what i can change.. its alwasy good to hear some honest opinions.. bad or good.. thanks again
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Old 03-12-2006, 05:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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yeah that hair line is so cliche. lots of people have long hair. and maybe lose the swearing as well. it seems to early in the song. maybe stick it later in the song, give it more powerful delivery.
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Old 03-15-2006, 06:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
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Hey you over there with the long hair
Will you lean over here and tell me your fears

Answer my question, was I wrong?

All I wanted was for you to see
That you are the only thing that meant anything to me

I tried... I couldn’t see past your ****ing eyes

You whispered softly in my ears
Replacing love with your desperate fears
I swore to you I wouldn’t leave

I made a promise that I would always keep


Never once did I question you
I always believed the words you said

Just like I believed you took no one else to bed

As if I couldn’t walk no more
I stumbled across that wooden floor
I screamed at you..and pushed you away
I made you feel like trash that day


As if I could ever do such a thing
It was a dream just like every meaningful thing you ever said




red i liked
italized is what i think it should be like
regular needs to be reworded some how
green i dont get
purple, you made a desperate jump from one buiding to the other, and didnt make it, but i still like(and get) what you are saying

theres something else that needs to be done badly, but i dont know how to explain it

edit: maybe make the stanzas link more to each other
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Old 03-15-2006, 07:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
angel of tragic days
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy Luv
Hey you over there with the long hair
Will you lean over here and tell me your fears

Answer my question, was I wrong?

All I wanted was for you to see
That you are the only thing that meant anything to me

I tried... I couldn’t see past your ****ing eyes

You whispered softly in my ears
Replacing love with your desperate fears
I swore to you I wouldn’t leave

I made a promise that I would always keep


Never once did I question you
I always believed the words you said

Just like I believed you took no one else to bed

As if I couldn’t walk no more
I stumbled across that wooden floor
I screamed at you..and pushed you away
I made you feel like trash that day


As if I could ever do such a thing
It was a dream just like every meaningful thing you ever said




red i liked
italized is what i think it should be like
regular needs to be reworded some how
green i dont get
purple, you made a desperate jump from one buiding to the other, and didnt make it, but i still like(and get) what you are saying

theres something else that needs to be done badly, but i dont know how to explain it

edit: maybe make the stanzas link more to each other
WOW! thank Crazy Luv, i think your comments have been the most helpful so far.. and i really liked the parts you've changed but the one part you didn't highligfht the part that you should think should be chnaged i honestly don't know how to change it.. i really don't know what to change it to..
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Old 03-15-2006, 07:35 PM   #10 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
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Location: NY
Posts: 355
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Never once did I question you
I always believed the words you said
Just like I believed you took no one else to bed


Never once did i question you
Always believed the words you said
But most of all i believed
That you slept with no one but me


or something...i dont know...


can you explain the lines i highlighted with green
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