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Oriphiel · 10-26-2018, 07:55 PM

Played some more of the og Tomb Raider.

God, this is painful.

They should call her Wall ****er, 'cause all she wants to do is slam full force into them while grunting.

It's the kind of game that is laid out in a lot of verticals and horizontals. You know, straight corridors, straight jumps, almost like a big grid. But Lara refuses to move or look straight, and every attempt to adjust her just puts her more off center. You see, there's no fine movement. The smallest movement she can make isn't a tiny inch forward or to the side, but a rather large step. So every time you try to move through a tight hallway (of which there are many) you end up pinballing back and forth across the walls. And every impact, punctuated by an "Unf", brings the game to a dead stop. Dead. Unf. Stop. Unf. UNF. UNF.

Want to get close to the edge of a platform before jumping across a gap? Too bad. You're either stepping right off that ****, or standing way the **** back.

And the jumping. Oh god, the jumping.

Here is the jumping process:

Get close to the platform you want to jump to, but not too close or Lara will just hop right into the abyss below. Press square while running. Fall into the abyss and die, because Lara needs about three steps while running before jumping is enabled (yes, this is an actual thing). Pressing the button before that during movement yields nothing. I guess three is her lucky number, or the jumping mechanic is on its smoke break or something. Try again, but this time from a dead stop, hitting forward at just the right time (or else you just jump in place). Miss the platform because you were too far from the edge. Return, and try to inch closer. Fall into the abyss. Try again. Somehow manage it. Jump. Reach the platform, but die anyway, because you forgot that you have to hold the X button independently from the jump button to grab while jumping. Because... ? I don't know. Try again, remembering to grab this time. Die anyway because the game didn't want to register the grab. Try again. Make it! Finally! Turn to the next platform. The camera gets hung up on the corner behind you, giving you the ****tiest possible view of the next jump. And guess what? You CAN'T CONTROL THE ****ING CAMERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

... except in a first person view that you can't move in, making it useless for jumps when the camera is hung up, since you're still running blind at the crucial moment.

And there's more.

So much more.

The combat. That's all I have to say. The combat. You devs should be ashamed.

The two types of combat you'll encounter:

1. A bunch of nothing popcorn losers pop out, like wolves and bats, and you just hold down the X button with your guns out until they turn into a fine red mist. That's it. The game auto aims, and you never run out of pistol ammo or even need to reload. Oh, but make sure to let go of X every now and then, 'cause once Lara picks a target, she will aim at it into perpetuity, even if it's already long since dead. She's a lot like Kiiii and memes in that way.

2. A big ****ing bear spawns right behind you and headbutts you in the ass over and over. You try to face it, but the camera gets hung up on ****. The bear is still eating your ass, only now it's laughing. IT'S LAUGHING. You try to do a dodge jump and get away, but bears can hit you while you dodge anyway, making it useless and pointlessly time consuming. IT'S STILL LAUGHING. So you eventually just eat a med kit and hold down X, spinning around like an *******, knowing that some of your bullets are bound to hit home, ignoring the damage you take until it finally dies. And even as it dies, IT'S STILL LAUGHING, BECAUSE WHO IS THE REAL WINNER HERE? NOT YOU, ****ER, YOU'RE THE ONE STILL PLAYING THE CRAPPY GAME, WHILE I'M GETTING LAID IN BEAR POLYGON HEAVEN. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I really don't like this game. I've played much worse, but it's still just such an unfun slog that I'm pretty much calling it quits.

Anniversary rules, this game drools.

10-26-2018, 07:55 PM	#11172 (permalink)
Oriphiel Ask me how! Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: The States Posts: 5,355	Played some more of the og Tomb Raider. God, this is painful. They should call her Wall **er, 'cause all she wants to do is slam full force into them while grunting. It's the kind of game that is laid out in a lot of verticals and horizontals. You know, straight corridors, straight jumps, almost like a big grid. But Lara refuses to move or look straight, and every attempt to adjust her just puts her more off center. You see, there's no fine movement. The smallest movement she can make isn't a tiny inch forward or to the side, but a rather large step. So every time you try to move through a tight hallway (of which there are many) you end up pinballing back and forth across the walls. And every impact, punctuated by an "Unf", brings the game to a dead stop. Dead. Unf. Stop. Unf. UNF. UNF. Want to get close to the edge of a platform before jumping across a gap? Too bad. You're either stepping right off that , or standing way the back. And the jumping. Oh god, the jumping. Here is the jumping process: Get close to the platform you want to jump to, but not too close or Lara will just hop right into the abyss below. Press square while running. Fall into the abyss and die, because Lara needs about three steps while running before jumping is enabled (yes, this is an actual thing). Pressing the button before that during movement yields nothing. I guess three is her lucky number, or the jumping mechanic is on its smoke break or something. Try again, but this time from a dead stop, hitting forward at just the right time (or else you just jump in place). Miss the platform because you were too far from the edge. Return, and try to inch closer. Fall into the abyss. Try again. Somehow manage it. Jump. Reach the platform, but die anyway, because you forgot that you have to hold the X button independently from the jump button to grab while jumping. Because... ? I don't know. Try again, remembering to grab this time. Die anyway because the game didn't want to register the grab. Try again. Make it! Finally! Turn to the next platform. The camera gets hung up on the corner behind you, giving you the tiest possible view of the next jump. And guess what? You CAN'T CONTROL THE ING CAMERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ... except in a first person view that you can't move in, making it useless for jumps when the camera is hung up, since you're still running blind at the crucial moment. And there's more. So much more. The combat. That's all I have to say. The combat. You devs should be ashamed. The two types of combat you'll encounter: 1. A bunch of nothing popcorn losers pop out, like wolves and bats, and you just hold down the X button with your guns out until they turn into a fine red mist. That's it. The game auto aims, and you never run out of pistol ammo or even need to reload. Oh, but make sure to let go of X every now and then, 'cause once Lara picks a target, she will aim at it into perpetuity, even if it's already long since dead. She's a lot like Kiiii and memes in that way. 2. A big ing bear spawns right behind you and headbutts you in the ass over and over. You try to face it, but the camera gets hung up on . The bear is still eating your ass, only now it's laughing. IT'S LAUGHING. You try to do a dodge jump and get away, but bears can hit you while you dodge anyway, making it useless and pointlessly time consuming. IT'S STILL LAUGHING. So you eventually just eat a med kit and hold down X, spinning around like an ***, knowing that some of your bullets are bound to hit home, ignoring the damage you take until it finally dies. And even as it dies, IT'S STILL LAUGHING, BECAUSE WHO IS THE REAL WINNER HERE? NOT YOU, **ER, YOU'RE THE ONE STILL PLAYING THE CRAPPY GAME, WHILE I'M GETTING LAID IN BEAR POLYGON HEAVEN. HAHAHAHAHAHA I really don't like this game. I've played much worse, but it's still just such an unfun slog that I'm pretty much calling it quits. Anniversary rules, this game drools. __________________ ---------------------- \|---Mic's Albums---\| ---------------------- ----------------------------- \|---Deafbox Industries---\| -----------------------------