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Old 06-20-2006, 06:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Indiana
Posts: 22

Ohhhh man this is really really good the first time I read through it just flowed really nicely and you used some really good imagery.

Heaven today
Is in my way
I'm here to say goodbye
You don't know why
For what I believe
I have tears on my sleeve
I loved your first two lines, also nice rhyming couplet at the end there it doesn't seemed forced at all and it flows very nicely.

I'm too much of myself
To be anybody else
Emotion flows too well
And I'm drifting into hell
I like your contrast in the first two lines, and again nice rhyme at the end way to follow the pattern from the other verse. I like your use of hell to contrast with the use of heaven before, very nice!

Hold my hand
Tighter than that
I'm here to save your life
You can't ask why
These lines paint a picture for me and I really like your word choice it flows nicely, I like how you leave it with you can't ask why, leaving the listener or reader in the unknown but you still know everything will be okay with the previous line.

This is wonderfully written and I really like what you wrote here. Amazing!
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