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Old 06-20-2006, 03:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
that's my war face.
 
TrampInaTux's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,418
Default Here To Save Your Life

Hold my hand
Tighter than that
I'm here too save your life
You can't ask why
Heaven today
Is in my way
I'm here to say goodbye
You don't know why
For what I believe
I have tears on my sleeve
I'm here too save your life
You can't ask why
I'm too much of myself
To be anybody else
Emotion flows too well
And I'm drifting into hell
Hold my hand
Tighter than that
I'm here to save your life
You can't ask why
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Old 06-20-2006, 06:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Indiana
Posts: 22
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Ohhhh man this is really really good the first time I read through it just flowed really nicely and you used some really good imagery.

Quote:
Heaven today
Is in my way
I'm here to say goodbye
You don't know why
For what I believe
I have tears on my sleeve
I loved your first two lines, also nice rhyming couplet at the end there it doesn't seemed forced at all and it flows very nicely.

Quote:
I'm too much of myself
To be anybody else
Emotion flows too well
And I'm drifting into hell
I like your contrast in the first two lines, and again nice rhyme at the end way to follow the pattern from the other verse. I like your use of hell to contrast with the use of heaven before, very nice!

Quote:
Hold my hand
Tighter than that
I'm here to save your life
You can't ask why
These lines paint a picture for me and I really like your word choice it flows nicely, I like how you leave it with you can't ask why, leaving the listener or reader in the unknown but you still know everything will be okay with the previous line.

This is wonderfully written and I really like what you wrote here. Amazing!
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Old 06-22-2006, 01:30 AM   #3 (permalink)
lickin honey from a thorn
 
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Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 62
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by hobojesus
Hold my hand
Tighter than that

I'm here too save your life
You can't ask why

Heaven today
Is in my way
I'm here to say goodbye
You don't know why
For what I believe
I have tears on my sleeve
I'm here too save your life
You can't ask why
I'm too much of myself
To be anybody else

Emotion flows too well
And I'm drifting into hell
Hold my hand
Tighter than that
I'm here to save your life
You can't ask why
Bolded = what i liked
Everything else = what didnt get me to like it or dislike it, its just there

Overall, i don't know what you can do to make it better. But i don't like or dislike it, didn't pull out any emotion from me.
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Old 06-28-2006, 10:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
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Location: In your linen cupboard.
Posts: 1,166
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I agree with Real_Eyez about which lines work the best. The line:

"Emotion flows too well
and I'm drifting into hell"

Is pretty weak, although its probably more a problem with the phrasing rather than specific words here ('hell' is a bit cheesy unless you're actually singing about hell itself, but the other words are all good).

"I'm here to say goodbye
you don't know why"

Seems a bit strange to me, as the direct language used in the rest of the piece (lots of imperatives, if that's the correct term...), makes 'you don't know why' come across as more of an order... like telling somebody that they don't know something, rather than describing the situation. Here, it might be better if you either use a softer phrase of some kind, or put in another definite instuction (like you used with 'hold my hand', 'you cant ask why'.
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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