The style of this is good, I like the idea and most of the lyrics, apart from the ending:
"Something isn't right. I want to leave.
Something isn't right. I can't breathe.
Something isn't right. I can't leave!
Sorry boy, but you have made your choice..."
The I want to leave/ I can't breathe / I can't leave parts are really naff. Change them please! And the "something isn't right" and "sorry boy..." phrases didn't really grab me.
Also, the song seems to need a repeated chorus part, which I guess would be either the part mentioned below or the "please don't go" part. Whichever it is, I'd imagine this would work better if its repeated, with a repeating melodic line to serve as a chorus. This lyric is punchy and not very deep, so it seems that it would work better with a catchy and direct (rather than subtle) melody.
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Originally Posted by Katyppfan
When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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