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Old 06-26-2006, 05:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
DontRunMeOver
They call me Tundra Boy
 
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Join Date: Sep 2005
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You need to structure this for starters! You've got some good lines in there and some which are not, like:

"She had me captivated
The flood was devastating
I felt so motivated
But then it was fading
The storm was overrated"

Particularly the "storm was overrated" part. What's that about? And why were you motivated by a devastating flood? Even in metaphors, things like this don't really make sense and that puts off the reader/listener.

You're coming up with good themes and general ideas for metaphors but be a bit more patient with the individual lines and stop trying to push in rhymes which don't make sense. There are usually loads of rhymes and combinations of rhymes you can find for each narrow subject area, so don't just jump on the first idea you get... let the story lead the rhymes, not the other way around.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katyppfan View Post
When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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