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Old 06-25-2006, 10:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
infamous nimbus
 
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Default Her Storm

Her Storm

It was a whisper at first
Just a whisp causing thirst
But it grew steadily
And became a warm breeze
The first rain fell lightly
Cooling the sand beside me
And it grew so quickly
And soon I was dripping
She had caught me sleeping
She had caught me dreaming
I was so unsuspecting
But the storm was upon me
The wind was a hurricane
Her love was the drowning raind
Her storm was a bull enraged
And I took in everything
She had me captivated
The flood was devastating
I felt so motivated
But then it was fading
The storm was overrated
It calmed as I waited
And slowly stopped raining
The wind began waning
And the sun reappeared
The light confirming my fear
And as the sky became clear
The last cloud whisp dissappeared
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Old 06-26-2006, 05:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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You need to structure this for starters! You've got some good lines in there and some which are not, like:

"She had me captivated
The flood was devastating
I felt so motivated
But then it was fading
The storm was overrated"

Particularly the "storm was overrated" part. What's that about? And why were you motivated by a devastating flood? Even in metaphors, things like this don't really make sense and that puts off the reader/listener.

You're coming up with good themes and general ideas for metaphors but be a bit more patient with the individual lines and stop trying to push in rhymes which don't make sense. There are usually loads of rhymes and combinations of rhymes you can find for each narrow subject area, so don't just jump on the first idea you get... let the story lead the rhymes, not the other way around.
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Old 06-27-2006, 04:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
Alo
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I like the structure too. But a storm used as a metaphore could have a lot more emotion. This just sounds a bit too much facttelling. You're not telling the weather-forecast. Try not to make it feel like one.
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