A lot of the individual phrases seem pretty clunky, too many syllables or too many unneeded filler words perhaps. For example -
"The meaning of all that's left"
tries to force too much into one line. Perhaps you have a way of making this work, rhytmically, but I'd guess it will sound overcrowded. Likewise:
"The things that have been mistaken,
does the same. You've managed to get the general idea of the lyric across well and the rhymes and having stuck in any stinkingly cliched or naff phrases*, so its improving the 'flow' of the lyric that you should look at first.
(*None that annoy me, anyway. Maybe singing about the 'Reaper' smells a bit of Iron Maiden, but then a lot of people think that's a decent enough subject.)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katyppfan
When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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