Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 06-15-2006, 03:56 AM   #1 (permalink)
w0rd
 
Blain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Suva, Fiji
Posts: 1,034
Default Death's scythe

I thought I might try this out...

The scythe of death rises,
As it shimmers in the sky,
It was then when I saw,
My life before my eyes,
I had realised what I wasted,
The trouble I had caused,
But by then I was at peace,
Watching in total awe.

Chorus
With the sharp edge,
Of that scythe of grousome death,
It is then that you discover,
The meaning of all that's left

The things that have been mistaken,
All we thought we knew,
It is after being taken,
You discover what we do.

As the reaper looms,
Above your watery eyes,
We gain awesome knowledge,
To fill our eager minds,
havn't we all wondered,
Why god made death,
Why god made existence,
Just to watch us perish...

Chorus
With the sharp edge,
Of that scythe of grousome death,
It is then that you discover,
The meaning of all that's left

The things that have been mistaken,
All we thought we knew,
It is after being taken,
You discover what we do.

And that's all I got at the moment... Lol I feel so lame
Blain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-27-2006, 08:27 AM   #2 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
DontRunMeOver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: In your linen cupboard.
Posts: 1,166
Default

A lot of the individual phrases seem pretty clunky, too many syllables or too many unneeded filler words perhaps. For example -

"The meaning of all that's left"
tries to force too much into one line. Perhaps you have a way of making this work, rhytmically, but I'd guess it will sound overcrowded. Likewise:

"The things that have been mistaken,
does the same. You've managed to get the general idea of the lyric across well and the rhymes and having stuck in any stinkingly cliched or naff phrases*, so its improving the 'flow' of the lyric that you should look at first.


(*None that annoy me, anyway. Maybe singing about the 'Reaper' smells a bit of Iron Maiden, but then a lot of people think that's a decent enough subject.)
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katyppfan View Post
When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
DontRunMeOver is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes



2003-2019 Advameg, Inc.

SEO by vBSEO 3.5.2 ©2010, Crawlability, Inc.