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Originally Posted by Real_Eyez_C_Real_Lies
I know Bob Dylan has a song called Hurricane, but hes talking about a person, Im talking about an actual hurricane, does that even matter?
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No, call it Hurricane if you want.
You probably need to put more detail in the introduction and create more of an ending. The middle part is fine. The introduction doesn't create a clear enough idea of what is happening and the phrase "Mom doing something to my older sister’s hair", might help to create the atmosphere of calm before the storm, but using the word
something is a bad choice. Be more specific about what she's doing, as being vague at this point constitutes bad storytelling.
The ending doesn't tie very much up. So your mum's died, then what happened? The storm magically disappeared? It'd be better if you could describe the scene a bit more by saying what the surroundings looked like during this last image of you holding her while she dies. Imaging you're the movie director who's directing the camera crew and actors as to how this death scene should look, maybe? Then how would you describe it, so that people could picture that image?