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Old 06-28-2006, 10:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What you think?

Hurricane
Mom doing something to my older sister’s hair
Lil sister sprawled out, sleeping, leaving no room to share
Me, laughing about if we would see a dog fly by the window
Heard the tapping against the window constantly
We saw outside from the news on TV
Saw the water coming down the walls
But we were ignorant to what we were in store for
Lil sister woke-up from all the noise we were creating
While me and my older sister were checking the halls
Gasping as we saw all of them leaking
Then suddenly water sprung down from the ceiling
Less than 1-2-3, to me
The whole ceiling came crashing down
Pulled my lil sister away
But my mom was too late
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Old 06-28-2006, 11:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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i dont..ermm gwt it..flooding...?
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We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that.
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Old 06-28-2006, 11:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
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no, Hurricane, oo, that could be the title, i don't know
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Old 06-28-2006, 11:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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^mm already a bob dylan song
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We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that.
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Old 06-29-2006, 01:38 AM   #5 (permalink)
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George Bush likes hurricane's

I found this picture of him giving the Katrina victims relief:




















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Old 07-01-2006, 09:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
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^

I know Bob Dylan has a song called Hurricane, but hes talking about a person, Im talking about an actual hurricane, does that even matter?
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Old 07-03-2006, 06:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Real_Eyez_C_Real_Lies
I know Bob Dylan has a song called Hurricane, but hes talking about a person, Im talking about an actual hurricane, does that even matter?
No, call it Hurricane if you want.

You probably need to put more detail in the introduction and create more of an ending. The middle part is fine. The introduction doesn't create a clear enough idea of what is happening and the phrase "Mom doing something to my older sister’s hair", might help to create the atmosphere of calm before the storm, but using the word something is a bad choice. Be more specific about what she's doing, as being vague at this point constitutes bad storytelling.

The ending doesn't tie very much up. So your mum's died, then what happened? The storm magically disappeared? It'd be better if you could describe the scene a bit more by saying what the surroundings looked like during this last image of you holding her while she dies. Imaging you're the movie director who's directing the camera crew and actors as to how this death scene should look, maybe? Then how would you describe it, so that people could picture that image?
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 07-03-2006, 04:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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This is only part one of it. Im changing the end of this one though. I will take your advice though, thank you very much.
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Be very carful not to make a woman cry because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior. But from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved.
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Old 07-03-2006, 05:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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well, theres a song called Hurricane by Something Corporate already.
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Old 07-05-2006, 03:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guitar_man2140
well, theres a song called Hurricane by Something Corporate already.
Bob Dylan should sue them.
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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