I agree that it's a bit whiny. To me it seems whiny because of the persons in which it's written. So much of it is along the lines of "YOU are picking on US". When I read it, the first time I see that something in my mind thinks "well, I am not picking on you*, so this poem is a fiction" and it kind of forces me to switch off.
As I'm not a *** person who is being picked on by somebody for my sexuality, then it isn't going to connect with me at all when you've written it from that perspective. So, once again, I also see it as whiny.
What I'd suggest is that you could change it around so that the person in the poem is the one who is picking on the *** people.
Such as,
"My hate, and my vicious placards, don't see to stop anything.
Showing love means breaking the law, yet they say "so be it".
I scream at them through one corner of my mouth,
And tell my kids to stop having sex with the other."
Which I think makes it more interesting.
BTW, I italicised a bit which I found very funny because it insinuated that the person's kids were having sex with one side of the person's mouth. Bahahaha.
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Originally Posted by Katyppfan
When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Last edited by DontRunMeOver; 01-07-2007 at 07:52 AM.
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