Happiness Is The Tragedy (lyrics, punk)

~~[MERIT]~~ · 01-06-2007, 11:33 AM

No, it is the truth. But its your poem/song/whatever so its up to you. Im just offering some constructive criticism, which you asked for.

sleepy jack · 01-06-2007, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oojay

No, it is the truth. But its your poem/song/whatever so its up to you. Im just offering some constructive criticism, which you asked for.

Nah, what you're offering is your bush loving bible brainwashed opinion.

~~[MERIT]~~ · 01-06-2007, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

Nah, what you're offering is your bush loving bible brainwashed opinion.

Not happenin' lil buddy. Find someone else to argue with

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 01-06-2007, 04:52 PM

Unforunately, I agree, it wasn't very helpful, at all.

Also, the political BS was in it from the beginning, the title itself is a stab at those anti-*** marriage. Maybe if you pull your head out of Pat Robertson's ass, you'll see that.

either/or · 01-06-2007, 10:37 PM

politics aside lets focus on the song itself. it doesn't seem like really anything more than a few choice sentences to push these issues we already are very aware about. remember music has got to be entertaining, it can't just be whiny, so maybe dress the issues into a narrative form or some more touching.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 01-06-2007, 10:56 PM

I'm sorry, did you just call me whiny?

either/or · 01-07-2007, 04:55 AM

sure did moko.

its like a dont smoke advertisment

DontRunMeOver · 01-07-2007, 07:44 AM

I agree that it's a bit whiny. To me it seems whiny because of the persons in which it's written. So much of it is along the lines of "YOU are picking on US". When I read it, the first time I see that something in my mind thinks "well, I am not picking on you*, so this poem is a fiction" and it kind of forces me to switch off.

As I'm not a *** person who is being picked on by somebody for my sexuality, then it isn't going to connect with me at all when you've written it from that perspective. So, once again, I also see it as whiny.

What I'd suggest is that you could change it around so that the person in the poem is the one who is picking on the *** people.

Such as,

"My hate, and my vicious placards, don't see to stop anything.
Showing love means breaking the law, yet they say "so be it".
I scream at them through one corner of my mouth,
And tell my kids to stop having sex with the other."

Which I think makes it more interesting.

BTW, I italicised a bit which I found very funny because it insinuated that the person's kids were having sex with one side of the person's mouth. Bahahaha.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 01-07-2007, 10:00 AM

The "you" doesn't always, and in fact RARELY refers to the reader, in my experience.

DontRunMeOver · 01-07-2007, 01:24 PM

Oh, my bad. I hadn't realised you were such a seasoned pro. Maybe you could offer an explanation for why I can't get into your poem, don't feel a connection with it and don't feel affected at all by what I assume is its intended message then?

01-06-2007, 10:37 PM	#15 (permalink)
either/or Don't think twice Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A basement on the hill Posts: 352	politics aside lets focus on the song itself. it doesn't seem like really anything more than a few choice sentences to push these issues we already are very aware about. remember music has got to be entertaining, it can't just be whiny, so maybe dress the issues into a narrative form or some more touching. __________________ Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation

01-07-2007, 04:55 AM	#17 (permalink)
either/or Don't think twice Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A basement on the hill Posts: 352	sure did moko. its like a dont smoke advertisment __________________ Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation

01-06-2007, 11:33 AM	#11 (permalink)
~~[MERIT]~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Missouri, USA Posts: 4,814	No, it is the truth. But its your poem/song/whatever so its up to you. Im just offering some constructive criticism, which you asked for.