Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog
mmmm, you know actually I like it but the rhyme has to go. You have some cool concepts in there that you don't beat to death. I mean the idea of the gold in the gates of heaven getting pawned says a ton without actually saying it.
But then in the next stanza you have expository lines like "but I don't see them in the sky"
I mean, when you say their on the street just passing by that tells us that they aren't in the sky, so lose the "but I don't see them" line.
I think you did a nice job of keeping it simple, keeping it subtle and you didn't whine an unhealthy amount as some might have with that "i'm sensitive but I still wanna be a badass so I'll say my life sucks and its really hard."
Get some more reviews, polish it up and go from there.
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"I dont see them in the sky" means the are not godly creatures. The next line kind of underlines that by saying "they dont have wings, they dont fly". However, the last line "they walk the streets like you and I" is supposed to give them the human element. Thats what really tells the listener what Im talking about. If I change one of these lines it might be the third one, but I think the point that they are not real angels needs to be very clear.
and yes this is intended to be a song.
Also, i updated it.