Music Banter - View Single Post

Ornette · 07-29-2007, 08:41 PM

OK, the idea is interesting, I guess. However, the execution is where the problems come in. Did she die in a car crash or drowning? Why are you going to be gone at the end of next summer? How do you follow tide to someone's home?

Also, a lot of the rhymes are really sing-songy and forced, like "Those days may be gone but my love for you is still strong" and "The time for fun is almost done." Especially that second one. It's tough to take this seriously when you have lines like that thrown in to what is supposed to be a dark poem. Self-editing works wonders, and I'm sure you would since this one just took you a half-hour.

07-29-2007, 08:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 100	OK, the idea is interesting, I guess. However, the execution is where the problems come in. Did she die in a car crash or drowning? Why are you going to be gone at the end of next summer? How do you follow tide to someone's home? Also, a lot of the rhymes are really sing-songy and forced, like "Those days may be gone but my love for you is still strong" and "The time for fun is almost done." Especially that second one. It's tough to take this seriously when you have lines like that thrown in to what is supposed to be a dark poem. Self-editing works wonders, and I'm sure you would since this one just took you a half-hour.