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Old 07-29-2007, 04:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default end of summer

not nothin i spent much time on it maybe half hour just felt like typing something up and thats about it


End of summer

Move back into the fog and vanish,
Leave the beach and ride the current out to the open,
Lie down and let the soak around you,
But I can still see how your eyes shines back at me..

Find your way back to the town from long ago,
Follow that road your traveled before,
Let it take you home after summer is gone

Brought you to the beach for a surprise,
We never made it together,
and you made it before me,
Never will forget those magical nights,
Those days may be gone but my love for you still is strong,

Follow the tide back to your home,
Find the stream you sat by each night,
And cherish those moments before summer is gone

The time for fun is almost done,
Autumn is just around the bend,
didn’t want you to waste your last day of summer at home,
Went for a ride around the shore and went for a swim,
Watch you sink down below the waves..

Took the corner to fast and couldn’t hold on,
Down the beach we went where spent our nights,
And that’s where we spent out last minutes that night,
That was the last day of our physical lives,
Now I will have to spend the last night of summer all on my own

I can still see you through the foggy water,
Never a frown on your face,
Never will those eyes shine again,
Until I see you at the end of next summer when I am gone
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Old 07-29-2007, 09:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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OK, the idea is interesting, I guess. However, the execution is where the problems come in. Did she die in a car crash or drowning? Why are you going to be gone at the end of next summer? How do you follow tide to someone's home?

Also, a lot of the rhymes are really sing-songy and forced, like "Those days may be gone but my love for you is still strong" and "The time for fun is almost done." Especially that second one. It's tough to take this seriously when you have lines like that thrown in to what is supposed to be a dark poem. Self-editing works wonders, and I'm sure you would since this one just took you a half-hour.
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Old 07-29-2007, 09:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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To add onto the rhymes quoted by Ornette alot of them seem straight out of Boys Of Summer. I'll post more fully about this tomorrow.
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Old 07-29-2007, 09:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Yeah. Magic nights and whatnot.
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Old 07-30-2007, 02:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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now that i look at i guess your right, it was late i was a litttle half assed at the time, i just started typing cause i was well bored and couldnt sleep...and really to be honest i cant remember typing it..lol
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