I'm actually going to give you some advice I think would help, despite the fact that most people tend to ignore your stuff. (Heck, I ignore this forum mostly anyways)
I think you should not end your lines so quick, as well as the verses/stanzas. Experimenting with the order/structure of the song might lead to a more creative appearance - as well, try to move away from cliched or stereotypical imagery. You could portray the same thoughts, but with less expected terms.
Hope this helps.
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