Thats pretty good, but i have a few tips for you.
1. Try to avoid using words like society (line) because there very generic and dont sound good. Just like in writing a report or story, overusing words like that is not a good thing.
2. Maybe its just me, but how this song is set up gives me the impression of it being vry hard to put into a real song, and be sang.
Keep truckin!
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