Alfred

You're out there playing paintball
And you're a sitting duck,
I did some thorough research,
and found out that you suck,
You're out there playing hockey,
and you can't touch the puck,
I did some thorugh research,
and found out that you suck,
You got hired for a job,
but you make less than a buck,
I did some thorough research,
and found out that you suck,
You're trying to stay clean,
but you start playing in the muck,
I did some thorough research,
and found out that you suck,
You're trying to learn guitar,
but the strings are hard to pluck,
I did some thorough research,
and found out that you suck,
Your dog is on its deathbed,
and you're wishing it good luck,
I did some thorough research,
and found out that you suck,
You're in the middle of a spelling test,
and you can't spell the word "tuck"
I did some thorough research,
and found out that you suck!