Well I love the first two stanzas; they're very powerful and thought provoking. However, I think the lyrics teeter off from there. The 3rd stanza (which is repeated later on as the 6th stanza) feels very forced and out of place.
Don't let them see you
And please do not be you
Because before you become them
You're already among them
The wording itself is choppy and disorienting and I'm not quite sure the message you're trying to convey. If you're using this as a chorus it should be very clear and coherent. This is the stanza where people will remember the words, so make them count. Pick words and imagery that clearly convey the main point of the song. Think of this as the thesis of your essay.
Onto the 4th stanza. The message in this stanza comes across clearly and directly, but the wording used is a bit childish. It seems more like a high school poem than powerful and moving song lyrics. I would try to incorporate more imagery (like in the first stanza) so it feels less like a rant against authority.
The 5th stanza goes as follows:
Now the sirens laugh
Because they know that they have won
But nothing is that funny
About what I have become
I love the first two lines, but the last two again feel childish. These are the last two lines in the song (not including the chorus) so they have to be very powerful. The listener should be left with a strong emotion. Make me think, or feel something that will make me want to listen to the song all over again.
If you want to keep the 4 line stanza then perhaps something along the lines of:
Fiendishly the sirens laugh
Because they know that they have won
So I accept my certain fate
And sink beneath the sun
Again these are just suggestions as you asked for a critical analyses of the lyrics.
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