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Old 05-23-2008, 04:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default First Song I Have Written- Please Give Tips

I've never written a song before and i wrote this and i don't know if its any good so i'm looking for some feedback. anything you can offer, as mean as it may possible be would be helpful
thanks in advance

The Sirens

I saw him in the ocean
And I saw he couldn't swim
But no one knew just who he was
Cos everyone was him
As I tried to save him
The sirens brought me down
And no one was there to save me
Cos everyone had drowned

Now my eyes are burning
And I'm drowning in the sea
Now the tides are turning and
There's no one to save me

Don't let them see you
And please do not be you
Because before you become them
You're already among them

Try to fight the sirens but
There's nothing we can do
They think that they are always right
But they never see our view
And when you step into the water
The sirens pull you in
No matter who you are in there
The sirens always win

Now the sirens laugh
Because they know that they have won
But nothing is that funny
About what I have become

Don't let them see you
And please do not be you
Because before you become them
You're already among them
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Old 05-23-2008, 07:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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please? anything?
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Old 05-23-2008, 08:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Old 05-28-2008, 02:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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nohting?
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Old 05-28-2008, 07:04 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Ahaha. I'd say the thumbs up counts as something. I like it! maybe a bit narrow, if you know what I mean.. It's more or less the same thing reworded, not that that's really a bad thing.. it's hard to judge other people's songs..
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Old 05-28-2008, 11:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Im no judge or anything, but I like the directness, and how tight it is.. doesnt venture too far makin it easy to follow. vampires meet mermen?
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Old 05-29-2008, 02:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Well I love the first two stanzas; they're very powerful and thought provoking. However, I think the lyrics teeter off from there. The 3rd stanza (which is repeated later on as the 6th stanza) feels very forced and out of place.

Don't let them see you
And please do not be you
Because before you become them
You're already among them

The wording itself is choppy and disorienting and I'm not quite sure the message you're trying to convey. If you're using this as a chorus it should be very clear and coherent. This is the stanza where people will remember the words, so make them count. Pick words and imagery that clearly convey the main point of the song. Think of this as the thesis of your essay.

Onto the 4th stanza. The message in this stanza comes across clearly and directly, but the wording used is a bit childish. It seems more like a high school poem than powerful and moving song lyrics. I would try to incorporate more imagery (like in the first stanza) so it feels less like a rant against authority.

The 5th stanza goes as follows:

Now the sirens laugh
Because they know that they have won
But nothing is that funny
About what I have become

I love the first two lines, but the last two again feel childish. These are the last two lines in the song (not including the chorus) so they have to be very powerful. The listener should be left with a strong emotion. Make me think, or feel something that will make me want to listen to the song all over again.

If you want to keep the 4 line stanza then perhaps something along the lines of:

Fiendishly the sirens laugh
Because they know that they have won
So I accept my certain fate
And sink beneath the sun

Again these are just suggestions as you asked for a critical analyses of the lyrics.
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Old 05-29-2008, 06:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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those are some tips i can use, thanks.
and i agree with you about the chorus part. by far the weakest part of the song and it more than anything needs adjusting.
once again, thanks alot

any other critiques would be appreciated
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Old 06-05-2008, 08:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Well, I think that if this was to be revised/rewritten, it'd make a pretty solid song, man. You've got the concept, now just try to think about it in different ways and rewrite it a bit. Definetly has potential as I see it.
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Old 06-06-2008, 06:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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When I come up with a song that if really bad, I move the Stazas around into diffrent spots and see how they feel. While you doing this you might come up with a better way to configure the song, and leave more of a lasting impression.
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