FaSho

Running with Scissors is a goldmine:

Augusten: According to Hope, Freud died of kitty Leukemia. According to me, Freud died of being trapped in a laundry basket for four days without food or water

Augusten: What just happened?
Neil: You think you're ***, right? That's what *** men do. Just wanted you to know what you're in for. Want a beer? Smoke?
Augusten: No.

Dr. Finch: Everyone! Come quickly! Wake up! Wake up! A miracle! A miracle! A miracle has occured!
Agnes Finch: What're you looking at?
Natalie: Dad's morning ****.
Dr. Finch: See? See how the duplicoil is breaking out of the surface of the water? Holy Father.
Agnes Finch: Doctor, let me draw you a nice bath.
Dr. Finch: Agnes, go get a shoehorn. A shoehorn, Agnes.
Hope: But what does it mean, Dad?
Dr. Finch: It means our financial situation is turning around. It means things are looking upward. Literally, the **** is pointing out of the pot! Towards Heaven, to God. My turd is a direct communication from the Holy Father.
[Augusten and Natalie try to hide their laughter]
Dr. Finch: No, no, no, no, children. No. Laugh. Laugh! God is... He is the funniest man in the universe. Agnes, I want you to carefully remove this, take it outside, and let it dry in the sun. We're starting a shrine, Agnes. A shrine. Hope, let's prepare.

Neil: "The Angry Nun" by Neil Bookman: "Bitch! Whore of Jesus! Dressed in black, you do not bleed, like a woman should bleed between the legs! But with your ruler, your crucifix of hatred, you strike my tender flesh! I bleed for you! Oh, mother." And then I-I ran out of ink.

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