Music Banter - View Single Post - Fruitonica's Songwriting Journal
View Single Post
Old 01-04-2009, 07:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
aveneficus
Groupie
 
aveneficus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 44
Default

First of all I did like this, but you did ask for criticism so I'll tell you what I think.
Like you said, it was a little scattered, but it's definitely a good start. I especially enjoyed the ant imagery/comparison.
As I was reading it though, it did seem a bit wordy, like you were perhaps trying to hard. Seemed as if you might've used a thesaurus to write it. Whether this is true or not, using complex words can be a good thing, but I feel like this poem might've had an excess. Although, it is much better to start out too complicated, rather than too simple. Kudos on the first attempt, keep writing.
aveneficus is offline   Reply With Quote