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Old 01-03-2009, 05:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
Pale and Wan
 
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Default Fruitonica's Songwriting Journal

....this made me cringe in hindsight

Last edited by Fruitonica; 12-21-2009 at 03:16 AM.
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Old 01-04-2009, 03:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Nice imagery. Good first attempt.
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Old 01-04-2009, 07:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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First of all I did like this, but you did ask for criticism so I'll tell you what I think.
Like you said, it was a little scattered, but it's definitely a good start. I especially enjoyed the ant imagery/comparison.
As I was reading it though, it did seem a bit wordy, like you were perhaps trying to hard. Seemed as if you might've used a thesaurus to write it. Whether this is true or not, using complex words can be a good thing, but I feel like this poem might've had an excess. Although, it is much better to start out too complicated, rather than too simple. Kudos on the first attempt, keep writing.
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Old 01-05-2009, 05:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks for the advice, it's appreciated.
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